Tories identify N Ireland on map - claims debunked

There's no possible way to know the location of Northern Ireland. That's the view of the Conservative Party, who consider Northern Ireland symbolic of the fundamental right-ness of both Brexit and the British Empire - two sides of the same, very British coin.

However, some Eurosceptic Tories blame the EU for the Troubles in Northern Ireland. One said 'The English have selflessly brought peace, prosperity and joy to all of Ireland for centuries, from Jack Charlton to Oliver Cromwell. That's why all of Ireland is so united and happy to be a part of Britain and not under the fascist, totalitarian jackboot of Brussels oppression, with all their human rights and salad ingredients.'

The number of Tory MPs who could correctly identify Northern Ireland on a map may now exceed zero. However the number who understand its history and constitutional status remains equivalent to the number of healthy items in an Ulster fry.

'Here!' boomed one, pointing to Wales with wildly misplaced confidence. 'The first minister is called Nicholas Surgeon and the Parliament is in Hollywood.'

'No, it's that one' interrupted a colleague pointing at the Isle of Man.

'It's a trick question' said another. 'There are no Tory MPs there, so it doesn't exist.'

Other suggestions for where Northern Ireland might be included North Yorkshire, the North Sea, Namibia, Narnia and the 1970s.

A troublingly dead looking Tory MP reanimated from a brandy-induced nap to bellow 'There is no Northern Ireland. There is only Zuul.'

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/clker-free-vector-images-3736/

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DUP says 'No! Never! Now, what's the question?'

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DUP: 'Away an catch yerselves on! We're not irrelevant crackpots, so we're not!'

A couple of years is a long time in politics, and none feel it more keenly than members of the DUP's parliamentary party.

Ever since the group of reactionary oddballs, keen to return to their happy place - the 14th century - was shat on from a great height by Boris Johnson, when Tories no longer needed to endure the shame of having them prop up the Westminster government, the Northern Ireland group has had to come to the bitter acceptance, that once again, they are a total irrelevance in British politics.

However, DUP spokesman and Witchfinder General, Nelson Nelson, was today refusing to accept what everyone else sees as cold hard facts.

'Away an catch yerselves on! Sure, we're as relevant today as we've ever been. And as a matter of fact we intend to bring forward a private members' bill to call for the reinstatement of the rack, thumbscrews and the breaking wheel for heretics, Catholics and those found guilty of homosexuality, witchcraft, or worst of all, being one of thon other crowd.

'We certainly will continue to make our voices heard, so we will. No doubt about that. Oh aye, mark my words. Tiocfaidh ár lá... no... hang on a minute... erm... ah ballix to it!'