Greatest mystery of Easter revealed to be 'Man's interest in snooker'

The millennia-long fascination with the Christian resurrection story has been eclipsed as the greatest Easter mystery by a Retford man's inexplicable interest in the World Championship Snooker tournament on TV, his exasperated wife has confirmed.

Mike McBride will spend at least 12 hours each day for the next fortnight watching players he has mostly never heard of and has little interest in, hitting balls of different colours around a 12x6 table.

'Explaining how a mortal could feed 5000 people with a couple of loaves and some old bits of pollock, and how someone can emerge from a locked tomb after being dead for 3 days are a piece of piss compared to comprehending Mike's interest for 2 weeks in the 'green baize' said his wife Sarah.

'He never mentions snooker all year, ut suddenly on Easter Saturday, he's telling me how Barry Hawkins is always difficult to beat in matchplay and how the nap of the table at the Crucible Theatre makes it hard to judge stun with the spider....I mean, what the hell does any of that actually mean?'.

'Miracles? Let me tell you, if I hear John Virgo tell me one more time that Ding Junhui has a 'shot to nothing' here, it will be a sodding miracle if I don't go up to Sheffield and shove a cue up his baulk cushion. He'll be needing snookers after that.'

'Oh, did you just see O'Sullivan caress that long blue into the corner pocket playing left-handed?', said Mike excitedly from his settee. 'God really does move in mysterious ways'.

Jesus Only Given Two-Star AirBnB Rating

There was consternation across Nazareth today as it was revealed that Top AirBnB host in the region Joseph of Arimathea only gave Jesus a guest score of two stars following his three-day stay in a property on the outskirts of Jerusalem.

According to the comments left by the businessman, while Christ was a quiet guest, he not only returned to the property after checkout time and interrupted the staff, he also left the sheets badly stained with an outline of his body, and - most concerning to Joseph - left the front door wide open when leaving.

In Galilee, Jesus was nonplussed about the low score given and how it might affect future stays using the platform, 'It's not that big a deal,' he said. 'I'm only using the thing while travelling round as an alternative to sofa-surfing. I've got a dozen or so friends who I can always crash with, and I'm only really in the area for another 40 days until I head home.'

Easter Bunny: 'Crucifixion and death hurting the brand'

A recent survey confirmed that no-one ever knows when Easter is, prompting the Easter Bunny to complain that Christmas' superior branding is leaving Easter trailing.

PR expert Naveed Nasir said 'Easter's biggest problem is all the betrayal, crucifixion and death. The rising again doesn't happen for three whole days! Baby Jesus is just an easier sell than Adult Jesus. Christmas has a fixed date and as for presents - the concept is genius even though I would rather get an iPhone and an Amazon voucher than frankincense and myrrh. Easter also needs some better tunes. Slade didnt write "Here it is, Merry Easter" and Chris Rea isn't "Driving home for Easter". Not through those tailbacks anyway. I'm not sure The Stone Roses' "I am the resurrection" is enough on its own.'

A spokesbunny wrinkled its nose adorably before saying 'Here at Easter HQ, we know we have a perception problem. Santa Claus can give kids any present they want and the Easter Bunny (aka Easy B) is limited to vastly overpriced chocolate eggs, which the kids then have to find. And rabbits don't even lay eggs - it makes no sense. Also Santa's got his corporate sponsorship all tied up with Coca Cola (and the John Lewis ads). Come on Cadbury's (and maybe Waitrose?), you know it makes sense. Can I offer you a hot cross bun?'

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