'Sea levels rising because fish are getting fatter,' say scientists

Governments are rushing to revise climate change plans after the latest news that sea levels are rising not from carbon emissions but a worldwide epidemic of marine obesity.

Over-eating has become a major problem, with many whales being up to five tons overweight, says fish expert Dr Alan Knox. 'There's just less room for the water.' he explains with his PowerPoint diagram.

'We need a major diet plan and lifestyle makeover for fish, or Birmingham will be under 10ft of water by 2050,' warns Dr Knox, who absolutely denies any ties to the oil industry. 'They're just lazing around eating plankton all day and getting no exercise.'

HKnow goes on to explain the problem also has implications for the film industry: 'Most marine predators are too fat to chase anyone anymore. I don't know how you'd make Jaws nowadays. You'd need a stairlift to move the shark around. As for Moby Dick, you could just lure him to a Weight-Watchers Anonymous meeting and slap a harpoon into him.'

However, the good news is that Britain's motorways are free of eco protesters for the first time in a year. 'It's great to be able to move around again without any hassle.' says commuter David Grace. 'The Extinction Rebellion crowd have all gone off to sea to fat-shame the whales.'

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“No mow May” activist “just a lazy git”, says wife.

A Tipton man has shocked his family with his sudden eco-warrior stance on mowing the lawn. Gary Jackson, 35, explained to family and friends at their Bank Holiday barbecue that he was going to "rewild" his garden in order to help save the environment. Brother in law, Dennis Reynolds, told our reporter, 'He started to pontificate about how dandelions are the perfect flower for pollinators, such as bees and that, and by cutting the grass and destroying them, we are killing bees and thus are no better than Hitler, Idi Amin, or Barry from Number 28, who tarmaced over his lawn when he bought that caravan just before lockdown.' His wife, Susan, said, 'He's even started going on about joining the Green Party but he's not fooling anyone. He's a lazy arse and needs to have a word with himself before I pack a bag and go back to my mother's again.'

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/andreas160578-2383079/

Thatcher posthumously awarded 'inadvertent eco-warrior '85'

PR genius Boris Johnson has revealed that Margaret Thatcher was in fact a trailblazing eco-warrior - a fact even she was entirely unaware of.

Channelling the climate crisis unfolding a mere 25 years later, tree-hugging nature-enthusiast Margaret Thatcher began a Greta Thunberg-esque eco-campaign all the way back in the mid-eighties. Whilst some suggested she had cruelly devistated communities with her brutal decision to close coal mines, they were entirely unaware that she actually posessed incredible psychic powers. Against all the odds, she knew this 'eco-nonsense' would catch on in the future and relatively normal people would be into it, not just those eco-vegan weirdos that were around in the eighties.

Due to Boris' incarceration in the Bullingdon Club throughout the eighties, paired with his complete refusal to associate with the lower classes, he does not remember the fallout first hand.

Some have suggested Boris is 'completely out of touch' with the old mining communities and 'doesn't have any idea' what they went through. Boris vehemently disagrees, believing himself to be 'just like a real-life miner' due to his relentless ability to dig himself big holes and accumulate a lot of dirt on himself.