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The new CFO of Yew Kay limited claims paying directors 150% of earnings 'not a gamble'

Writer: Throngsman
Throngsman
Sep 29


The multi-disciplined manufacturing, financial services, defence, care sector, service behemoth Yew Kay Limited that was subjected to a complete top end management change last month without submitting the changes to the shareholders for approval, has drawn up a new roadmap for the company.


Kwasi Modo, the new CFO who was promoted from being a bag man in the temporary department titled 'exiting the competitive workspace', with a brief period as tea boy in the accounts department and a stint as a stuntman in Halifax adverts, has offered a new direction for the financial direction of the company. 'Making money is what we should be doing, so I'm going to give the directors a shed load of cash and that should do it,' he said today, while viewing a Maserati showroom.


His new plan is to make being a senior director so lucrative no director will want to leave it; one or two might do some work as well.


'We're not bothering with company accounts this year,' Mr Modo said today. 'In fact, I've just sacked the accountant, all he did was whinge and mutter something about the law'. New CEO, Liv Truffle, is cock-a-hoop about the new strategy. 'As long as everybody uses the company shop the benefits should trickle down to the workers at some point,' she said. Mr Modo asked if he was expected to use the company shop and was relieved to hear that part didn't apply to him or the CEO.



First published 29 Sep 2022


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Thatcher’s ghost dictating economic policies via p*ssed medium

Writer: Sully
Sully
Sep 26


Today we’re with Sally Preston, a psychic with a drink problem who has been helping Her Majesty’s Government set economic policy by conversing with the ghost of Margaret Thatcher.


Sally gives me an appraising look. 'You’ve lost somebody close to you. Is the letter H significant?'


'No', I say, then immediately feel guilty as she seems so vulnerable, swigging away from her bottle of Jacob’s Creek chardonnay. 'Oh, I used to have a hat'.


'That’ll be it', she tells me, before slumping back into her chair, seemingly half asleep.


'Are you here about the economy?'


'Yes', I lie. Sometimes an investigative journalist has to push the boundaries.


Sally takes another drink from her bottle and her eyelids flutter manically. 'Margaret is in the room. She’s saying something about National Insurance'.


'Does she want it to go up? Down?'


'Down!' she says, suddenly leaning forward and fixing me with a terrifying glare. 'And fracking. Ronald has told her it’s for the best. Frack the whole country'.


'Is Reagan there too?' I ask.


'Of course. They’re an item now'.


'What about interest rates?'


'That’s enough for today. I’m tired'. Sally hauls herself upright and scans around for the door. I’m tempted to ask about ghost sex but force myself to stick with economics.


'We need to know. Should they go up? How do we avoid recession?'


Sally is already halfway to the door, staggering a little. 'Privatise something. The NHS. Privatise the NHS. Oh, and she says the Oxford comma is an abomination. Get rid of it'.


And she’s gone. Britain’s leading economic adviser has left the room leaving only a faint aroma of chardonnay and piss, and I realise what the H was all about. Horseshit.



First published 26 Sep 2022


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£10 notes 'cheapest source of fuel'

Writer: apepper
apepper
Jun 29




A comparative study of energy sources by the Federation Researching Economic Zero-net Energy (FREEZE) has found that the cheapest source of fuel for most homes is £10 notes.


'It was not that much of a surprise,' explained Professor Ron Jenkins of Clacton University. 'I suspected it might be the case when my car's insurance went up two bands after filling it with petrol. All the same, the cost per kilowatt from the new government approved money burning stove represent quite a saving.'


Jacob Rees-Mogg, fresh from his triumph of Britain being able to buy non-existent vacuum cleaners, echoed Professor Jenkins.


'I recommend that poor people stockpile a few thousand £10 notes to keep them warm in the winter; I have.'



First published 29 Jun 2022


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