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Tory right torn between destroying economy and making people miserable



The right wing of the Tory party is arguing about the next "big idea" for the country. Jacob Rees-Mogg has proposed raising the retirement age to 97, legalising work for the under 3s and reopening coal mines, "not for the coal, but for the LOLZ".


Lord Frost disagrees with Mogg's idea. "It's been claimed that my last wheeze is costing the country £100bn a year, but I think we can do better than that. If we make retirement age below the school leaving age, then the entire country grinds to a halt in a year and I think we can make that per week. Now, that would be an achievement."


John Redwood has proposed a zero rate income tax combined with a maximum wage "for plebs" of £0 per hour, with a 10% bonus for weekends.

image from pixabay



First published 4 Feb 2023


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U Turns are the new straight lines

The government has consulted geometric mathematicians to conclude that the economy isn't Euclidian but is hyperbolic, like the universe is (probably). In a hyperbolic universe a straight line is curved and parallel lines intersect, so mirroring fiscal policy on a geometry that makes little or no sense to anyone observing what we think of as real life makes an enormous amount of sense to everyone in the Chancellor's team.


'A U turn in policy isn't the negative the opposition like to say it is, it's simply an alternative application of what we said the policy would be, just in the opposite direction,' said a spokesperson. 'If it's good enough for the universe, it's good enough for us,' he added. 'When I say us, I mean Rachel. I don't understand any of this,' he admitted, off the record. Which in a hyperbolic universe is almost certainly on the record. His name, off the record, is Keir, but don't repeat that.



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