top of page
ree

Traditionalists are up in arms as the National Trust negotiates to acquire the house in East London where the Kray twins grew up.


‘The National Trust is supposed to take on stately homes when the landed gentry fall on hard times,’ spluttered an ageing military type. ‘The family continues to live in one wing, and the garden gets opened to the hoi polloi.  And the Trust opens a café and a shop and makes a fortune from selling overpriced baked potatoes and plants that might be from the gardens, but actually came from a wholesaler in Wigan.


‘The National Trust shouldn’t be celebrating the criminal underworld and the black economy and the lower classes. It’s political correctness gone mad.’


A spokesman for the Trust defended the decision.  He said, ‘Some very big blokes turned up at the meeting, and they explained in considerable detail what might accidentally happen if we didn’t make a generous offer for the house.  All those present agreed that the cultural significance and historical perspectives were absolutely aligned with the Trust's values, and that we were keen to buy, even at the slightly challenging price that we were quoted.  And, in addition, everyone was quite keen to keep all their fingers.'


If the acquisition by the National Trust goes through, displays in the house will include a timeline of the Kray twins' illustrious careers, with signposting to organisations offering support with mental health issues.  Victims of the Krays will be recruited as stewards to give an authentic visitor experience. There will be a small exhibition of the Kray twins' little known collection of Japanese sashiko embroidery and some of their weaponry.  A Trust spokesman said that, in keeping with the theme, admission charges to the house will be ‘criminal’.


The attraction will be marketed with an affectionate take-off of the Bob Hoskins gangster film ‘The Long Good Friday’, provisionally titled ‘The Long Bank Holiday Monday’.


image from Google Gemini


ree

Monthly real gross domestic product (GDP) in the US is estimated to have grown by 442% in July 2025, following growth of 0.1% in June 2025


Real GDP is estimated to have grown by 242% in the three months to July 2025. Imaginary GDP has grown by 342% since Liberation Day, largely driven by growth in the black economy. Imaginary GDP is a new measure that is calculated by including all the good numbers and leaving out the bad ones.


Monthly services output grew by 25% in July 2025, as church attendance reflected the extra Sunday in the month.


Production output grew by 242%% in July 2025, fuelled by businesses and consumers buying early to avoid tariff costs, and because of redundancy threats across the official statistics sector. These gains offset a dramatic slowdown in purchases of avocados, Tesla cars and MAGA hats.


Construction output grew by 242% in July 2025, following fires, storms and flooding in California, Texas and Florida. Every cloud has a silver lining.


Trustworthy statistics are down 242% since June, reflecting a dramatic shift towards untrustworthy statistics and made up numbers.


ree

The government has consulted geometric mathematicians to conclude that the economy isn't Euclidian but is hyperbolic, like the universe is (probably). In a hyperbolic universe a straight line is curved and parallel lines intersect, so mirroring fiscal policy on a geometry that makes little or no sense to anyone observing what we think of as real life makes an enormous amount of sense to everyone in the Chancellor's team.


'A U turn in policy isn't the negative the opposition like to say it is, it's simply an alternative application of what we said the policy would be, just in the opposite direction,' said a spokesperson. 'If it's good enough for the universe, it's good enough for us,' he added. 'When I say us, I mean Rachel. I don't understand any of this,' he admitted, off the record. Which in a hyperbolic universe is almost certainly on the record. His name, off the record, is Keir, but don't repeat that.



bottom of page