'People are slating the president for making himself out to be Jesus in a picture,' said a spokes-priestess for the White House. 'But Jesus is the fraud and Donald Trump's the real deal.
'You want miracles? Donald's got miracles for you. It's a miracle he got 75 million people to vote for him. It's a miracle he's not in jail. And it's a miracle that the assassins keep missing him with their bullets.
'What's more, we can prove Donald's the real Jesus because every time he says something, people mutter 'Jesus!''
'Fake news!' said Jesus Christ, speaking from the right hand of the Father. 'I have the best miracles. And parables. I have parables like you wouldn't believe.
'But I grant you this about Donald,' continued the Saviour of Mankind. 'He's really going to get crucified in the mid-term elections.'
Image: WixAI
Rumours abound that Josef Fritzl, the convicted rapist and Vincent Price lookalike, who fathered seven children by his own daughter, could stand for Reform UK at the next election.
A spokesman for Reform told Newsbiscuit, "Mr Fritzl is currently in a prison for ‘mentally abnormal’ inmates, so sounds incredibly well qualified to represent our party in Parliament."
"Despite the fact that he is Austrian, it is understood that Fritzl is considering applying for UK citizenship and is expected to arrive on a small boat in the early hours of next Wednesday morning."
Depraved individual, suspected nazi, and a generally horrible person, Nigel Farage was unavailable for comment.