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In what nobody is really buying as the "fight of the century", a w@nker billionaire with too much facework to let anyone touch it is goading a w@nker billionaire with an alien hairline which if slightly tugged might unravel the entire being.


Fisticuffs promoter, Gill Bates said, 'Normally, I get quite passionate and over-the-top for a big fight. But this match-up has all the appeal of an intact rice pudding. Look, they might be working really hard on their Chinese burns and wedgies, but I can't see it climaxing into anything more than frantic fly-wafting.


'But you get paid a few million to hype this crap up, so I've got my team working on the most important thing - what to call it. The Rumble in the Jungle, it certainly won't be - more like "The Twisty-Titty in the Vatican City".


'Anything like the Thriller in Manilla would be a slight case of over-billing, so maybe "The Cower at the Bell Tower"? Or "The Towel Flicker at St. Mark's Basilica"?


'If either of them come up with an innovative move, then we haven't ruled out "The Thumb-up-the-Bum at the Colosseum".


For the moment, though, the working title covers the most likely outcome for both of them: "The Weep Bitterly in Italy".'




First published 15 Aug 2023


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Elon Musk's newly formed America Party has joined forces with Jeremy Corbyn's [Insert Name Here] Party, or INH, for short.


'We will be stronger together,' said a spokesman for the INH Party. 'We can learn from Elon's use of social media. And we can teach Elon about mobilising grass roots support and organising the proletariat.


'Our parties will have a special relationship. Jeremy has sent Elon a signed donkey jacket and we are hoping that Elon might send us one of his electric cars or perhaps a cybertruck.


'Jeremy has offered to share his deep insights into political failure. We want Elon to think 'What would Jeremy do?', so that he can do the opposite.


'Success is mission critical for both of us. No-one wants to go the same way as the SDP or Alba or Ross Perot. Reputations are at stake.'


image from pixabay


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What are the worst things to see on a crowdfunding site - the one's that are so misguided and wrong, and that no-one in their right mind is ever going to give money to? We asked our correspondents for their thoughts – and here they are...


Fundraising for the undeserving


  • Help out of work celebrities reverse their awful Botox


  • Give Elon Musk his $288m back (refunding his support for the Trump campaign in 2024)


  • The re-elect Liz Truss campaign


  • The Colorado Beetle appreciation society


  • Lets buy Meghan a damehood, and James Corden a knighthood


  • I need £100k to win back my gambling debts of £200k


  • Help fund Prince Andrew's legal costs


  • Plausible deniability training for tax evaders


Fundraising for pointless things


  • Return the Mary Rose to the sea-bed


  • More bat tunnels for HS2


  • Restart manufacture of black & white telly's


  • Invent the room darkening light bulb


  • Expand the network of wasp nests to discourage picnics


  • Acting lessons for footballers to enable them to feign injury more convincingly


  • Amplifiers to be fitted to grunting tennis players


  • Boris Johnson: The Movie


Fundraising for things that sound very risky


  • Funding to cross-breed the Chihuahua and Saint Bernard


  • Scuba diving for COPD sufferers


  • Prophet Muhammed drawing classes


  • Campaign for even more ultra processed food


  • Help foreign powers build new and better Covid variants


Fundraising for things that are just weird and alarming


  • Arse of Boris Johnson, facing France, to be carved into White Cliffs of Dover


  • Get a comments section stitched onto the end of the Bayeux tapestry.


  • Provide free hanky's to go with every panky


  • Volume two of David Cameron's memoirs


  • Help fund the banning of crowdfunding



Writing credits: contributions from deskpilot, will, sinnick, rowly, FlashArry, midfield diamond, james_doc

Picture credit: Wix AI


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