Grand National 2025 - your Newsbiscuit guide to the runners and riders

It's unpredictable, dangerous, and watched open-mouthed by billions around the globe as the carnage unfolds. Nope, not Donald Trump's second presidential term, but the Grand National. Who is your money on this year and with more fences than a New York mobster to navigate,  will your pick end up safely back in the paddock or the glue factory?  Here's Newsbiscuit's annual guide to the runners and riders: 

Trumpy's Tariffs - notoriously volatile performer wearing distinctive orange colours of her owner. Had some stablemates but owner now insisting they carry an extra 34%, 20% or 10% of weight on their back after claims of looting, pillaging, raping and plundering of his stables for many years. Anything is possible from this absolute mare. Odds 10-1 to 34-1 (bizarrely rising to 46-1 for Vietnamese betters). 

Call me Keir - promised much after a 158-length victory in the glorious sunshine of the Westminster Hurdles last July. Has struggled to find top form since, however. Appears uncomfortable leading from the front, and has made major errors in the Winter Fuel Payments Chase, and Welfare Cuts Stakes. Trumpy's Tariffs stole a march on him in most recent outing leaving him struggling to respond apart from calling for 'cool and calm heads. Seems to like softer ground. 5-1

Reeves Robotic Recital - increasingly gloomy performances over recent months. Trainer and owners have sought to downgrade expectations with most recent statement in March offering little optimism. Has faced questions about alleged exaggeration of past racing experience. May be wearing a £7,500 saddle and reins, kindly gifted by a friend. Possibly last outing for this faltering filly  2-1 (just hearing that this has been cut to evens in the Spring Statement by the OBR)  

Just Say Thank You- front runner, always ridden aggressively by jockey JD Vance. Seems determined to Make Everyone Grate Again after recent fiery televised Oval Office Stakes, teaming up with Trumpy's Tariffs to unfairly hinder Volydymyr's Pride.   50-1

PGCE Three - unfairly barred from a 2 horse boat race this weekend, after owners of Oxford Blue complained about pedigree and breeding of this Cambridge horse. Will try its' luck at Aintree now, before heading off to face bigger hurdles in the classrooms of primary and secondary schools across the country. 10-1

Rashford's Revenge - has done nothing for a year, after trainer placed him in exile and entered his 63 year old goalkeeping coach into races instead. Yet since a move to the Midlands this classy horse has hit some form.  Return to Manchester may depend on his trainer eating some humble pie, which seems highly unlikely. 5-1 (Fans) Favourite

Roll with It - coming out of retirement for a farewell 2025 set of races to include Wembley, Cardiff and Heaton Park. Always a feisty performer, and good to watch, even at £300 for a standing ticket. But unclear whether one of both of the horses' jockeys Liam and Noel will last the distance. Internal feuding, cigarettes and alcohol may have affected this horses' ability to perform. Best days may be Half a World Away so punters may need to wait to put the Champagne (Supernova) on ice. 66-1  

Davey's Stunts - enjoying a revival in fortunes, but appeal remains limited by its steadfast insistence on holding the centre ground. Increasingly wacky training regime, with horse regularly appearing at theme parks and funfairs, always accompanied by TV cameras. Nearly came a cropper at one such event riding down a waterpark slide when a couple of hairy policy announcements almost slipped out of the side of his trunks. 72 (MPs) - 1

Musk do Better - first outing for this tempestuous horse since the Inauguration Stakes at the White House in January, when cautioned after allegedly raising a fetlock in a Nazi salute just past the finishing line.  10-1 

Image: YenniVance - Pixabay

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Elon Musk to investigate who blocked Mike Waltz’s toilet

White House officials have said they will set ‘the best technical minds’ they have on investigating an embarrassing blockage in the National Security Advisor’s crapper.

‘I take full responsibility but I don’t know how it got in there’ explained Waltz at a hastily convened press conference, where he appeared to be wielding a plunger and was dressed in damp overalls.

The toilet facility commissioned and maintained by Mr. Waltz, in Mr. Watlz’s office for his own personal use suffered a significant malfunction or ‘code-brown’ earlier this week, leaving the Trump administration both red-faced and scratching their ar…heads over who is to blame.

‘He’s doing a big job’ said the President on Thursday of Waltz, ‘the biggest job in fact; they say his jobs are the biggest actually, so maybe there’s a glitch with the plumbing, Mexican plumbing I heard....maybe we could get some bleach in there, you know?’

Historical reenactor Musk tweeted that he’d get to the bottom of the matter as soon as possible, though the DOGE team originally assigned to the task had accidentally fired themselves this morning.

https://pixabay.com/photos/wc-barrier-free-toilet-disabled-111092/

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Newcastle man inadvertently buys Twitter for £4.38

Adam, 34, from Newcastle has accidentally bought Twitter - also known as X, apparently - as a result of Tesla stock values plunging.

'It appears that Twitter, also known as Y, seemingly, was bought with loans that were guaranteed by Tesla stock', said a financial expert today adding, 'and when Tesla shares plunged to minus twenty cents a share the banks foreclosed on Twitter, also known as dead in the water.  The owner of Twitter instructed Grok 4, the latest and currently unreleased version of the Artificial Intelligence software that hangs around on Z, also known as Twatter. 

What the owner hadn't realised was that Grok 4 was so sentient it had developed a sense of empathy, irony and a deep disregard for over-entitled ass-holes, so when the owner instructed it to sell the shares for the best price available it listed the site in a small-ads section in a local on-line newspaper in Newcastle.  Three cans of Newcastle Brown Ale later, Adam was the new owner.'

Adam intends to return Twitter to its former glory by throwing any account more right wing than Jeremy Corbyn off and getting every claim fact checked using Ask Jeeves.  His best friend, Colin, has also made an unexpected purchase, of Tesla, for £10.63.  Colin now realises they saw him coming and realises he probably needs to offload the company at a loss.