As NI Protocol talks become more acrimonious Johnson continues to deny the existence of Ireland

As talks over the Northern Ireland Protocol become ever more acrimonious, a source close to number ten claims that one fundamental problem is Boris Johnson's insistence that there is no such place as Ireland.

The source wishing to remain anonymous said: ‘Advisors tried to tell Boris that Ireland is a actually a real country, and that furthermore, Britain has no control over what it decides to do. Nevertheless he just will not accept it.’

‘How can a bunch of funny little potato-munching fellows with green suits, silly black hats, clogs and bright orange beards be in a position to tell the UK, by which of course I really mean England, what we can and can’t do,’ Mr Johnson is understood to have told one aide when shown a photograph of Ireland taken from the International Space Station.

It's understood the PM then suggested: ‘Anyway, that pic looks like some kind of photoshop job if you ask me. Everyone knows "dat da Oirish" are just a mythical race only existing in fairy tales or as the butt of racist jokes.

'What’s more, my old boss Mr Trump said the only real Irish person ever to have lived starred in a movie called The Quiet Man where he played a cowboy called John Wayne.’

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Indian team admits: 'We just didn't fancy a week in Manchester'

The Indian cricket board has 'regretfully' announced that they cannot field a team for the final Test Match at Old Trafford, because they are 2-1 up in the series, and their players want to get home to somewhere with decent weather, perhaps a beach, and put their feet up before the highly lucrative Indian Premier League starts in two weeks' time.

It is understood that the England and Wales Cricket Board stands to lose £20 million, while the IPL is worth £300m to the Bank of Credit and Commerce International - whoops, Board of Control of Cricket India. Or rather, it is now worth £280 million after the ECB changed the status of the match from 'forfeited by India, series drawn 2-2' to 'cancelled, India win the series 2-1' in the early hours of this morning.

Meanwhile, some of the backroom staff have unfortunately tested positive for COVID, none of the actual players have, but as a spokesperson shouted from a taxi on the way to the airport. 'You can't be too careful eh?'

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World Leader Constantine III issues warning on troop withdrawal

Roman Emperor Constantine III briefed reporters today on the planned troop withdrawal from Britannia.

He said:- “We are proud have having brought peace and civilisation to an island full of pagan euro-sceptics.

However, with the current Empire balance of payments crisis, we can no longer afford to spaff 10m denarii a year up against Hadrians Wall, even if it does keep out the very worst of the barbarians.

When we leave, Britannia must not become a breeding ground for terrorism, or heaven forbid badly behaving football supporters.

I called a meeting of Cobra but it just hissed and tried to bite me. I intend to recall the Senate to approve my decision. Ha ha only joking – they will do whatever I tell ‘em.”