World Leader Constantine III issues warning on troop withdrawal

Roman Emperor Constantine III briefed reporters today on the planned troop withdrawal from Britannia.

He said:- “We are proud have having brought peace and civilisation to an island full of pagan euro-sceptics.

However, with the current Empire balance of payments crisis, we can no longer afford to spaff 10m denarii a year up against Hadrians Wall, even if it does keep out the very worst of the barbarians.

When we leave, Britannia must not become a breeding ground for terrorism, or heaven forbid badly behaving football supporters.

I called a meeting of Cobra but it just hissed and tried to bite me. I intend to recall the Senate to approve my decision. Ha ha only joking – they will do whatever I tell ‘em.”

Lucrative pizza ads beckon for England’s young lions after Wembley penalty woes

Even as a nation's tears flowed, following England's defeat in the final of the Euros at Wembley on Sunday, it turns out that it's not all bad news.

Because for penalty zeroes, Marcus Rashford, Jadon Sancho and Bukayo Saka it has signaled an opportunity for all three to land themselves a handsome consolation prize, appearing in lucrative TV ads for restaurant chain, Pizza Hut.

A spokesman for the company said: 'Well obviously watching the final was incredibly tense, particularly after the Italians missed their first spot kick, but luckily the lads reverted to type and made a total shambles of taking theirs, so in the end it was all hunky dory.'

It's understood that in addition to the three players, England Manager, Gareth Southgate, will play a cameo role in the ad campaign.

'This is amazing the way things have gone full circle,' said the boss. 'There I was thinking this tournament was going to lay my ghosts to rest, but now I get a second chance to ride the gravy train again. Isn't modern sport truly wonderful?'

In related news, it's been reported that brown paper bags have seen a sudden and colossal surge in demand.

Entire England cricket XI convicted of obscene public acts

Following the shaming of Ollie Robinson for a series of tweets he wrote as a teenager, the entire England cricket squad has been arraigned and convicted at Marylebone Magistrates Court for obscene acts in public.

"Never in my life have I come across such shameful public exhibitions as the ones of which you are guilty," said stipendiary magistrate Wilbur Cocklecarrot, swallowing back some vomit in his throat.

"Your performances over the past year at Lords, Headingley, Trent Bridge and Old Trafford have been sickening for the general public to watch and you should all be utterly ashamed of yourselves."

Sentencing was adjourned until the end of the current test series against New Zealand, in which the England XI are expected to carry on outraging onlookers with a further string of disgraceful displays.

"I would advise the England XI to refrain from any further public exposure," continued Cocklecarrot, "and instead stay on the boundary making daisy chains. I would imagine that making 'daisy chains' is something they are naturally good at."