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Man killed painting England flag on roundabout "a true English hero"

Gary "Steve" Stevenson, 37 of Tipton, tragically lost his life when, at 2:30am on Tuesday, he was killed by a heavy goods lorry while he was painting an England flag on a mini roundabout on the B4517.


Mr Stevenson, who has a history of jumping on bandwagons, was a popular figure around the town. He was always the first in line to stand outside the local Travelodge, shouting at the residents in case one of them might be an immigrant. Friends remember him fondly, ripping the burqa off a young muslim women who offended him by playing with her children in the park during the half term holidays. They reminisce about the time he pushed a flaming wheelie bin towards a group of riot police, called upon after shots were fired at some brown children on their way home from school.


"He was a true patiot. A legend. A hero," said one friend. "If there would of been a war, or something like that, Stevo would have been the first to sign up. He loved are country and was not in any way a racist or a nazi. No. Not at all. No way. Not Steve. He always put England first, and he never hit his wife. Well, not so hard that it would mark her, anyways."


Friends family and assorted racists have called for the roundabout to be named "The Stevo Roundabout" in his honour. The local council has dismissed this suggestion as "totally bonkers".



Misogynists nurse their fragile egos as England Women win Euros again

In an event that has sent shockwaves through pub corners and online comment sections across the nation, England’s women have once again lifted the UEFA Women’s Euro trophy, leaving a trail of confused and fragile male egos in their victorious wake.


“Football’s only coming home when we win it,” muttered 47-year-old expert-in-nothing Gary Thompson, while refreshing his timeline, hoping to see anything that might discredit the Lionesses’ historic victory. “It’s not proper football, is it? Where’s the slide tackles? Where’s the pub brawls? Where’s the VAR controversy so I can argue with strangers online?”


Sources confirm that a coalition of part-time YouTube pundits and full-time misogynists immediately convened to develop their latest coping strategy: redefining the word 'football' in real-time.

“Winning the Euros doesn’t count unless you’re diving, swearing at the ref, and clutching your hamstring every five minutes,” said Dave from Manchester, who once scored a tap-in during a five-a-side game in 1998 and has considered himself a tactical mastermind ever since.


Meanwhile, social media has been flooded with desperate attempts to downplay the achievement. Comments such as 'the goals aren't as good' and 'the men would beat them' poured in, as if that somehow negates the victory parade currently being planned through London.


One particularly distraught Twitter user even launched a petition demanding UEFA 'cancel the result because it’s biologically unfair,' citing zero scientific sources but a lot of feelings.


Psychologists have observed a sharp rise in cases of 'Selective Sports Interest Syndrome' — a condition where men suddenly become experts on women’s football solely to dismiss it. “It’s fascinating,” said Dr. Elaine Ward. “They've never watched a women’s match, but the moment women succeed, they develop encyclopaedic knowledge of why it ‘doesn’t count.’”


Meanwhile, the Lionesses responded to the outcry with a deafening silence, too busy admiring their second consecutive European trophy.


As England basks in a historic win, Gary and his fellow keyboard patriots have found solace in their final fallback argument: “At least we still have the darts.”


image from pixabay


England footballers “must be sons of previous players”

After barely scraping past Andorra, a country so small it’s surprising they could find 11 men of the right age to play, the manager of the English football team announced today he had a new plan for the team’s future.


“From now on,” said Thomas Tuchel, “to play in the England team, you must be the son of someone who played in it before.


“It’s been standard practice in the film industry for years. They used to do a thing called ‘auditioning’, where they would take actors, even complete unknowns, and test them to see if they were any good.” This revelation had younger journalists googling to check if it was true, since it’s never happened in their lifetimes.


”These days, of course, they simply ask established stars if they have any children who might fancy giving acting a go. And if they’re worried about bad publicity, they provide them with a standard template saying ‘If anything, I had to be twice as good as everyone else just to prove I was there on merit’, ready to be fed to a tame journalist.”


This unfortunately spelled bad news for players like Phil Foden. “Sorry, mein Freund, it’s not that you haven’t been really impressive for England over the last few years. But your dad’s a plumber, for God’s sake.”


Meanwhile Steve Hurst, grandson of England’s 1966 World Cup final hero Geoff Hurst, said he was very surprised to get the call.


“Still, I’d been considering making a change from accountancy for a while, it was starting to feel a bit stale. Granted, I’d been thinking more in terms of insurance or banking rather than representing my country at a sport I haven’t played since I was at school, and wasn’t good at even then. But that’s the thing about life in Wokingham - you just never know what’s going to happen next.”



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