BBC appoints UK's biggest masochist to be new DG

'We realise that Google executive Matt Brittin has zero experience in the broadcasting sector,' said a spokesman for the BBC Board of Governors, while placing burning matches between the new Director-General's toes, 'but Matt proved that he's a voracious glutton for punishment and that's exactly what the job entails.

'He impressed us right off the bat at the interview when he entered the room with a bed of nails and lay down on it before demonstrating his ability to walk over broken glass with a bright smile on his face.

'This showed that Mr Brittin might just about be capable of handling hours-long appearances before parliamentary select committees, answering questions about broadcasting from MPs who are too dim to be able to tune their car radios.

'And also to take personal responsibility for thousands of hours of radio and TV content which he could not possibly have had any control over.

'We were also impressed by the runner-up candidate, who simultaneously garotted himself at the interview while swallowing strychnine. We had no hesitation in recommending him to the Football Association to be the next England manager.'

Image credit: perchance.org

English Rugby say 4th defeat out of 5, best defeat yet

.

'Lucky' England drawn in same World Cup group as the Village People

England manager Thomas Tuchel has rebuffed claims that his side is lucky after being drawn in the same 2026 World Cup group as American 70s disco outfit Village People.

The band brought Friday’s World Cup draw to a close performing their smash hit ‘YMCA’ moments after unexpectedly been drawn to face England in group L next summer. The group is completed by the South-West Region Lidl works team, and the winner of the play-off between Easter Island and the Harlem Globetrotters.

‘There are no easy games in the World Cup’ says Tuchel. ‘Village People may be past their best, but they have a very good youth system, and are always encouraging young players to come along and hang out with all the boys.

‘And, of course, the Lidl works team won the South-West Region League by 4 points. As long as they can keep their star striker ‘Fat Morph’ fit, by which I mean sober, then they could be dangerous. After all, Lidl are a German company, and you know the old saying in football – ‘never write off the Germans, or their discount supermarkets’.'

Meanwhile, Scotland have been drawn in the same group as Brazil, and will face the 5-time winners 3 times over 10 days, with only the group winners going through to the knock-out stages.

‘It's a tough draw’ says Scotland manager Steve Clarke. ‘We had been expecting to be drawn in a group with 3 other teams, but to be in a group with just Brazil, and to have to play them 3 times in 10 days in the soaring heat, is going to be difficult.

‘Before the draw we had hoped we might sneak into the last 32 by being one of the best placed 3rd placed teams, but as there are only 2 teams in the group, that’s going to be quite tricky’.

‘Still stranger things have happened in international football, like Donald Trump being awarded a peace prize by FIFA. What’s next? Is Benjamin Netanyahu going to be presented with the Nobel Prize for Chemistry before the draw for the fourth round of the Carabao Cup?’

Image credit: perchance.org