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Trump: did Democrats buy Epstein victims flowers? I did!


The Trump White House has hit back at Democrats for releasing photos from the Epstein files, saying that President Trump had done more for the victims than the Democrats ever did.


In an off-the-record briefing, an insider who cannot be named noted that "the Democrats have never even met any of these girls - I knew them all", and listed many of the ways they had helped Epstein's victims:


* paid off their college debts, or bought them school uniform


* allowed them to use his own personal shower


* sent them Xmas presents, including free copies of "The Art of the Deal"


and all of this was done purely "out of the goodness of my heart".


"I even introduced some of them to a guy who claimed to be a Britisher Prince" our anonymous source added, "I don't know if he really was, but he was certainly drunk as a lord most of the time."



Who isn't mentioned in the Epstein files/emails?


That sultry divorcee from number 23 is almost certainly in the files, as is Barry who works the till at Asda.  Obviously any politician you don't like is in there, probably the one you do like is too. Rock stars?  Probably, although ironically McCartney isn't.  Yet.


But are these people really in the files, or was Epstein just harvesting names and email addresses randomly?  Did he buy up email hacks from the dark web, the  not-so-dark web and the positively really dark web?


Is it really likely that the current President of the United States, a Republican, has given a former, Democrat, President a blowjob?  Or did Epstein get confused - about who got the BJ?


Anyway, Trump has an army of people trawling through the Epstein files removing his name and inserting someone else's instead.  That's your name, you know that, don't you?


In our next detailed report we'll discuss how conspiracy theories are started, and by who.

Army relieved that Andrew is no longer Duke of York


Army Top Brass are pleased that the 'prince' will not be able to use 10,000 soldiers for needless yomps up and down hills any more. An army spokesman said, 'this was a gross misuse of trained professionals, marching these troops up to the top of a hill, for no reason other than to march them down again. And simply to confirm that when they are up, they are up. Madness. Sheer, bloody madness.'


Major-General Headly-Smedley-Landrover-Smyth was quoted as saying, 'We are glad that this unnecessary use of our troops has finally been dealt with. This was not a manoeuvre to practice the taking of an elevated position. This was a full division, comprised of multiple brigades, weirdly just men, marching up and down a hill. The report states some notes were made on the situation when they were only halfway up, but, quite frankly, I am embarrassed to give them to you. This whole exercise could have been done at squad level with ten soldiers, not ten thousand. Get me a brandy.'


When told the actual reason the Duke of York title was being removed, the Major-General spat brandy everywhere, and developed a new type of gout.



Image credit: Titanic Belfast, CC BY 2.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0>, via Wikimedia Commons. Text added.

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