Who isn't mentioned in the Epstein files/emails?

That sultry divorcee from number 23 is almost certainly in the files, as is Barry who works the till at Asda.  Obviously any politician you don't like is in there, probably the one you do like is too. Rock stars?  Probably, although ironically McCartney isn't.  Yet.

But are these people really in the files, or was Epstein just harvesting names and email addresses randomly?  Did he buy up email hacks from the dark web, the  not-so-dark web and the positively really dark web?

Is it really likely that the current President of the United States, a Republican, has given a former, Democrat, President a blowjob?  Or did Epstein get confused - about who got the BJ?

Anyway, Trump has an army of people trawling through the Epstein files removing his name and inserting someone else's instead.  That's your name, you know that, don't you?

In our next detailed report we'll discuss how conspiracy theories are started, and by who.

Army relieved that Andrew is no longer Duke of York

Army Top Brass are pleased that the 'prince' will not be able to use 10,000 soldiers for needless yomps up and down hills any more. An army spokesman said, 'this was a gross misuse of trained professionals, marching these troops up to the top of a hill, for no reason other than to march them down again. And simply to confirm that when they are up, they are up. Madness. Sheer, bloody madness.'

Major-General Headly-Smedley-Landrover-Smyth was quoted as saying, 'We are glad that this unnecessary use of our troops has finally been dealt with. This was not a manoeuvre to practice the taking of an elevated position. This was a full division, comprised of multiple brigades, weirdly just men, marching up and down a hill. The report states some notes were made on the situation when they were only halfway up, but, quite frankly, I am embarrassed to give them to you. This whole exercise could have been done at squad level with ten soldiers, not ten thousand. Get me a brandy.'

When told the actual reason the Duke of York title was being removed, the Major-General spat brandy everywhere, and developed a new type of gout.

Image credit: Titanic Belfast, CC BY 2.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0>, via Wikimedia Commons. Text added.

Satan to give up his titles over Epstein connections

The Prince of Darkness is giving up his titles, including the Mammon Demon of Greed, following 'discussion with the King.'

In a statement, The Former Angel of the Abyss said that the 'continued accusations about me distract from the work of stealing, killing and destroying.'

Beelzebub will remain a prince, but will cease to be The Lord of the Flies, as well as giving up membership of a group of demons known as Legion, the oldest and most senior order of the underworld.

Lucifer has been under growing pressure over his links with the late sex offender Jeffrey Epstein, who was quite frankly even more evil and therefore more deserving of the titles.

In the statement, the Serpent said: 'I vigorously deny the accusations that I have done anything right. I am just as bad as him, and haven't ever done anything good with my life.'

Image credit: perchance.org