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Maxwell offered immunity on condition she doesn't give evidence

In a plea deal thought to be the first of its kind, Ghislaine Maxwell has been offered immunity from prosecution on condition she doesn't turn states evidence and tell the justice department everything she knows.


"Sure, it's kind of unusual," admitted US Justice Secretary Tommy Fratboy, a recent appointment of President Trump. "It's more common to offer minor criminals immunity in return for their testimony against kingpins. It's in the public interest to catch the big fish, even if it means letting the little fish go.


"But in this case... er... look, the whole Epstein thing is such old news, why are people still obsessing about it? Seriously, there's so much going on that's more interesting. Have you seen the new season of the Kardashians? That Kylie Jenner sure is hot! And then there's sport - how 'bout dem Cowboys?"


He added that he'd certainly never been to Epstein's island himself, if Epstein even had an island, which he couldn't confirm because he'd certainly never been there.


However, other senior government officials consider it risky to release Maxwell even under conditions which amount to a super injunction.


"We've been talking to our colleagues in Britain, who say there's somewhere we can put her which guarantees she'll never be seen or heard from again."


Asked what it's called, the official said "Well, this might be a typo, but it says here it's called 'Mrs Brown's Boys'."


Image from pixabay


Jeffrey Epstein fails to attend golf course openings

Donald Trump has opened a new golf resort in Scotland.  Jeffrey Epstein did not attend.  


The new 18-hole course at Turnberry is not named after Jeffrey Epstein.


Later, he will open a new 18-hole course in Aberdeenshire. That course isn’t named after Jeffrey Epstein either.


The White House says Trump will also meet Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer to have his ego stroked for a bit, and to get some respite from media questions about Epstein’s List and his relationship with Jeffrey Epstein.


The President hopes that, by promoting his personal interests so publicly while in office, the media will write about something other than Epstein.


A spokesman for all media outlets said, ‘Epstein. Epstein. It’s all about Epstein. It’s an Epstein frenzy! Trump is named in Epstein’s List.  Trump was told he was on Epstein’s List and then lied about it.  New pictures of him and Epstein keep turning up!  No wonder it’s all about Epstein.


‘Actually, just to explain, me and the lads are betting on how many times we can insert ‘Epstein’ into a news item. I’m currently in the lead.’



Picture credit: deep dream generator

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