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Trump to embark on nationwide tour of book depositories and grassy knolls


In an attempt to bolster falling popularity in the opinion polls, and possibly to deflect from the failure to release the Epstein files, the President is planning on a US-wide tour to raise his profile.


'I'm touring this great country bigly and I've been given a solid gold convertible car to drive through the major cities so adoring crowds can fete me,' said the President today, unfurling a large map showing his route from Washington Dead Centre to Dallas High Street, taking in every book depository and grassy knoll en-route, 'as that French loser Macron might say,' added the President.


'Apparently book depositories are great for vantage views for viewing Great Presidents,' he said, adding, 'and grassy knolls are pure confeve for watching from,' he said, noting that his red MAGA hat would make him 'easy to spot'.


Early reports are that every vantage spot is being occupied by citizens from seventy nations already.




Trump: did Democrats buy Epstein victims flowers? I did!


The Trump White House has hit back at Democrats for releasing photos from the Epstein files, saying that President Trump had done more for the victims than the Democrats ever did.


In an off-the-record briefing, an insider who cannot be named noted that "the Democrats have never even met any of these girls - I knew them all", and listed many of the ways they had helped Epstein's victims:


* paid off their college debts, or bought them school uniform


* allowed them to use his own personal shower


* sent them Xmas presents, including free copies of "The Art of the Deal"


and all of this was done purely "out of the goodness of my heart".


"I even introduced some of them to a guy who claimed to be a Britisher Prince" our anonymous source added, "I don't know if he really was, but he was certainly drunk as a lord most of the time."



Who isn't mentioned in the Epstein files/emails?


That sultry divorcee from number 23 is almost certainly in the files, as is Barry who works the till at Asda.  Obviously any politician you don't like is in there, probably the one you do like is too. Rock stars?  Probably, although ironically McCartney isn't.  Yet.


But are these people really in the files, or was Epstein just harvesting names and email addresses randomly?  Did he buy up email hacks from the dark web, the  not-so-dark web and the positively really dark web?


Is it really likely that the current President of the United States, a Republican, has given a former, Democrat, President a blowjob?  Or did Epstein get confused - about who got the BJ?


Anyway, Trump has an army of people trawling through the Epstein files removing his name and inserting someone else's instead.  That's your name, you know that, don't you?


In our next detailed report we'll discuss how conspiracy theories are started, and by who.

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