EU Apple device users outraged at plans to give same charger as everyone else

Apple users in the EU were today outraged by plans to force them to use the same USB-C charging cables as the ordinary Windows or Android user. "We are used to a cooler, more ergonomic, slicker form of electricity" said Ambroos, 26, from Amsterdam. "And what if Android users want to borrow my charger? What can I say?" She asked.

Apple are said to be developing designs to comply with the regulations, but the Apple chargers and sockets will be retained in new models alongside the new ones. A spokesman said: "There will be a USB-C port in the centre of the back of the case, covered by a flap. The flap will open only when you push a button on an app which will be free to download to a linked Apple phone. This action will also purchase for you a new Apple charger, unless you disable this feature in settings."

Image: Unsplash/Andreas Haslinger

Imports of red tape cut by increased border bureaucracy

Finally fulfilling a promise made during Brexit and subsequent election campaigns, the amount of red tape in the UK has fallen by over 90% following delays to red tape imports caused by increased bureaucracy at the border. Stationery and art stores around the country have warned that a winter shortage in supplies will have a catastrophic affect on the number of bows around Christmas presents this year.

Although the fishing industry is on its knees, the promised £350 million a week cheque for the NHS is still in the post and the oven-ready deal is no more than an empty pack of unpicked frozen peas, the government have been celebrating the cut in red tape as “promises made, promises kept despite our best efforts to screw it all up”.

Nadine Dorries - newly appointed Minster for Flags, Farage and Gareth Southgate – indicated that the massive increase in paperwork, time and checks at the border were a small price to pay for the promised cut in red tape.

“We said from the very beginning that we got all of our red tape from the EU, and surprisingly we weren't lying” a spokesperson for Dorries added. “Apparently 200 tonnes a year. Now we have more forms to fill in than the PM's annual child maintenance assessment, most of it is stuck in Calais along with other unimportant things like food, medicine and a family of four who have been waiting in an immigration queue since February”.

Image: Pixabay/MAKY_OREL

Britain leaves Eurovision song contest while Australia applies to join EU

The UK government has insisted that voters in the referendum on leaving the EU would have understood it to extend to the Eurovision song contest. Representatives insisted Britain could go it alone in creating a "bolder, camper and culturally deficit version of a song contest", and didn't need cooperation with other countries to achieve that, saying it's domestic supply was ample.

Meanwhile Australia's recent entry into the Eurovision song contest has been seen as an important first step in Australia's application to gain EU membership. A source close to the EU revealed: "It makes sense. At any point half the Australian 18-25 population is back-packing in Europe while 50% of highly qualified European university graduates are picking fruit in Australia. And since Britain has left our quota of crony capitalist fossil fuelled militarily-industrial states is at historically low levels".

However, the source added that before it will consider Australia's application, the country must improve it's human rights record for Aboriginals and asylum seekers, reduce systemic racism, reduce it's extinction rate and actually have a climate change policy beyond "the coal industry told us to say this".

A spokesperson for the Prime Minister whose name no-one can remember said that "these were inseparable parts of our 120 year old national Australian culture, so don't ask us to change them".

When asked to elaborate on Australia's non-existent climate change policy the spokesperson added "digging things out the ground and selling them to the rest of the world has been the basis of our economy for 120 years. Oh, that and sheep. It's not like we've got a limitless supply of sunshine and tidal power that we could harness to export renewable energy, we're not that fortunate. We'll just have to stick to being the world's largest coal exporter as we can't think of any other options. Don't read this bit out but finish by making some off-hand comment about how harmless coal mining is. Oh whoops".

Hat-tip Sir Lupus