Britain leaves Eurovision song contest while Australia applies to join EU

The UK government has insisted that voters in the referendum on leaving the EU would have understood it to extend to the Eurovision song contest. Representatives insisted Britain could go it alone in creating a "bolder, camper and culturally deficit version of a song contest", and didn't need cooperation with other countries to achieve that, saying it's domestic supply was ample.

Meanwhile Australia's recent entry into the Eurovision song contest has been seen as an important first step in Australia's application to gain EU membership. A source close to the EU revealed: "It makes sense. At any point half the Australian 18-25 population is back-packing in Europe while 50% of highly qualified European university graduates are picking fruit in Australia. And since Britain has left our quota of crony capitalist fossil fuelled militarily-industrial states is at historically low levels".

However, the source added that before it will consider Australia's application, the country must improve it's human rights record for Aboriginals and asylum seekers, reduce systemic racism, reduce it's extinction rate and actually have a climate change policy beyond "the coal industry told us to say this".

A spokesperson for the Prime Minister whose name no-one can remember said that "these were inseparable parts of our 120 year old national Australian culture, so don't ask us to change them".

When asked to elaborate on Australia's non-existent climate change policy the spokesperson added "digging things out the ground and selling them to the rest of the world has been the basis of our economy for 120 years. Oh, that and sheep. It's not like we've got a limitless supply of sunshine and tidal power that we could harness to export renewable energy, we're not that fortunate. We'll just have to stick to being the world's largest coal exporter as we can't think of any other options. Don't read this bit out but finish by making some off-hand comment about how harmless coal mining is. Oh whoops".

Hat-tip Sir Lupus

May completes Brexit deal by agreeing to stay in EU

Prime Minister Theresa May has successfully concluded Brexit negotiations on the first day that she took over them – but accidentally committed to remaining in the EU. 'At first we were all slightly confused because she just kept repeating ‘Brexit means Brexit’, ‘red, white and blue Brexit’ and ‘strong and stable’ at us,' said Michel Barnier, the EU’s chief negotiating officer. 'But eventually we had a rigorous debate. She was as tough with us as she is at Prime Minister’s Question Time – so it was quite easy.'

Hours went by and the deal while the deal was thrashed out behind closed doors. Recently appointed - and even more recently deputised - Brexit secretary Dominic Rabb said the negotiations were 'fierce' before adding: 'Well, they sounded like it through the keyhole I was listening at. But I didn't like to pry too much because Mrs May said it wasn't any of my business.'

After just three hours Barnier and a confused looking May appeared before the press to announce the details of the deal. 'We spent the last few hours listening to Mrs May’s demands and looking at the Chequers White Paper,” Barnier said. “We still have no idea of what her Government wants. There seemed to be no common ground and then we had a breakthrough and found areas we agreed upon, which was to piss Boris off.'

'We laughed a lot, far more than we ever did with David Davies,' Barnier continued. 'Mrs May was willing to make quite a few concessions to get at Boris. She conceded on the issue of blue passports, the need to leave the EU and the future of her political career.' May was led away whilst mumbling 'Brexit means Boris'. Meanwhile, Home Secretary Sajid Javid said the deal meant the UK would not object if the EU wanted to bring the death penalty for Nigel Farage.

Image: Stux/Pixabay

EU eye Trans-Pacific trade deal enviously

The new deal announced today, filling a £68 billion drop in sales to the EU with a wholesome £1.7 billion deal involving mainly bananas, was described by Prime Minister Johnson 'exactly what we promised you - less money being spent on us, more airmiles to Johnny Foreigner places.'

The EU trade negotiators have quietly downloaded Lis Truss' CV from LinkedIn and are thought to be putting a hostile bid to snatch hew away from the British negotiating team as soon as possible. 'With skills like hers we can't afford to squander the opportunities she creates,' said an envious EU trade expert. 'She makes small gains look huge and huge losses appear as if they don't count. If only we had her negotiating skills on our team.

A spokesperson for Ms Truss insisted she wasn't going anywhere. 'I've seen her appraisal, popularity ratings and, crucially, her passport has been locked away in a drawer until she produces something - anything - remotely useful. Off the record, obvs,' he added.