Boris to choose chat-mate for next summit

London Mayor insists Russian tanks will pay the congestion charge like everyone else

Mayor of London, Sadiq Khan, has warned President Putin that if his tanks arrive in the UK shortly after demolishing Ukraine and the rest of Europe, he'll pay a heavy price.

'We're not just talking about increasing the service charge on the multi-million-pound apartments snapped up by filthy rich oligarchs. No, we're going to hit Putin where it hurts. His 50-ton tanks all run on diesel, so they'll be paying the full £15.00 charge a day. I can't see any proposed invasion of the UK lasting that long while it incurs significant levels of costs.

'I've also spoken to TFL and the unions to organise tube and bus strikes as soon as the tanks and soldiers reach London. They won't be able to bully Islington and Kensington into submission if they can't travel anywhere, will they? However, if they behave themselves and services are restored, we could issue them with Oyster cards. They'd then be able to take advantage of off-peak and discounted rates as we could classify them as being on work placement in the capital.'

image from pixabay

Rees-Mogg confident on finding yeti "soon"

Jacob Rees-Mogg has announced that he is mounting an expedition to photograph and, ideally, to capture the legendary yeti or abominable snowman.

"I decided to start easy.", explained Mr Rees-Mogg, "I'm popping off to the Himalayas tomorrow with my support team and I'm very confident that Nanny will easily spot an ape one third of a perch in height - she found Mr Teddy when he was lost."

"Obviously, I will be liaising with the Foreign Secretary. Mr Raab has informed me that the Himalayas are somewhere near Ceylon, so I will be catching an early carriage tomorrow as for certain logistical reasons, travelling through the small island of Europe has become rather problematic recently."

When asked how this expedition would affect his new job finding Brexit benefits, Mr Rees-Mogg paused, then said "I'm also planning a trip to Loch Ness."

Yeti Mountains Snow - Free photo on Pixabay