Orient Express murders outsourced to Europe

As a direct result of Brexit, the people who commit murder on the Orient Express have decided to outsource their killing to the EU. 'You just can't get efficient killers in the UK these days,' said an Orient Express murder organiser, adding, 'of course you can get inefficient killers, people who kill through neglect and greed. Most Tory MPs would happily accept a free ticket for the Orient Express and then spend the whole journey not negotiating with nurses and doctors, or prevaricating over lockdowns when its blindingly obvious they're going to be needed, but getting them to murder someone in a sneaky, hard to crack case is a tough one.

'The other reason is the paucity of detectives to solve serious crimes. With cuts to the police over the last 13 years we've lost our Holmes, Poirots and Morses, but retained our Clouseaus. We've even deported Kato.'

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London Mayor insists Russian tanks will pay the congestion charge like everyone else

Mayor of London, Sadiq Khan, has warned President Putin that if his tanks arrive in the UK shortly after demolishing Ukraine and the rest of Europe, he'll pay a heavy price.

'We're not just talking about increasing the service charge on the multi-million-pound apartments snapped up by filthy rich oligarchs. No, we're going to hit Putin where it hurts. His 50-ton tanks all run on diesel, so they'll be paying the full £15.00 charge a day. I can't see any proposed invasion of the UK lasting that long while it incurs significant levels of costs.

'I've also spoken to TFL and the unions to organise tube and bus strikes as soon as the tanks and soldiers reach London. They won't be able to bully Islington and Kensington into submission if they can't travel anywhere, will they? However, if they behave themselves and services are restored, we could issue them with Oyster cards. They'd then be able to take advantage of off-peak and discounted rates as we could classify them as being on work placement in the capital.'

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