London Mayor insists Russian tanks will pay the congestion charge like everyone else

Mayor of London, Sadiq Khan, has warned President Putin that if his tanks arrive in the UK shortly after demolishing Ukraine and the rest of Europe, he'll pay a heavy price.

'We're not just talking about increasing the service charge on the multi-million-pound apartments snapped up by filthy rich oligarchs. No, we're going to hit Putin where it hurts. His 50-ton tanks all run on diesel, so they'll be paying the full £15.00 charge a day. I can't see any proposed invasion of the UK lasting that long while it incurs significant levels of costs.

'I've also spoken to TFL and the unions to organise tube and bus strikes as soon as the tanks and soldiers reach London. They won't be able to bully Islington and Kensington into submission if they can't travel anywhere, will they? However, if they behave themselves and services are restored, we could issue them with Oyster cards. They'd then be able to take advantage of off-peak and discounted rates as we could classify them as being on work placement in the capital.'

image from pixabay

Rees-Mogg confident on finding yeti "soon"

Jacob Rees-Mogg has announced that he is mounting an expedition to photograph and, ideally, to capture the legendary yeti or abominable snowman.

"I decided to start easy.", explained Mr Rees-Mogg, "I'm popping off to the Himalayas tomorrow with my support team and I'm very confident that Nanny will easily spot an ape one third of a perch in height - she found Mr Teddy when he was lost."

"Obviously, I will be liaising with the Foreign Secretary. Mr Raab has informed me that the Himalayas are somewhere near Ceylon, so I will be catching an early carriage tomorrow as for certain logistical reasons, travelling through the small island of Europe has become rather problematic recently."

When asked how this expedition would affect his new job finding Brexit benefits, Mr Rees-Mogg paused, then said "I'm also planning a trip to Loch Ness."

Yeti Mountains Snow - Free photo on Pixabay

Britons returning from Staycations to self isolate

The government has noted that the UK has the highest incidence of covid in Europe and with immediate effect the whole of the UK is being put on Amber Plus alert status,' said a government spokesperson today.

'We are particularly concerned with the amount of UK residents taking a staycation, as by definition they are taking a holiday in one of the most highly infected regions in the world,' he added. 'From midnight tonight all Britons returning from a staycation, even if it was in their back garden, will have to self-isolate for ten days and pay for a PCR test.'

The Treasury has admitted that the new policy will hit the economy hard but a spokesman for the Treasury added that 'with everyone in the UK having to pay for the PCR tests sometime over the summer the initiative will probably be cost neutral for the government, and especially welcome for friends of the Cabinet who have been awarded PCR test supply contracts.'