UN calls for subjective sports to be phased out of Olympics

The UN has told the International Olympic Committee to phase out all subjective sports by Brisbane 2032. Any sport reliant on the opinion of judges, rather than regulated by objective criteria, is to be binned.

‘There is a real danger with these sports that personal opinion, political bias, or reckless stupidity creeps into decision making,’ explained a janitor for the UN in Geneva. ‘Those not familiar with a specific sport can be completely baffled as to why one competitor is better than another. This can lead to enormous resentment for those who don’t know why their country’s twirl is not as good as another’s flick. You start to see bitterness and resentment leading to unbridled violence. With international tensions as high as they are, we can’t risk a fluffed fakie setting off World War III.’

The IOC has agreed to a phased withdrawal, starting with sports that should be objective but have an unnecessary subjective element, such as ski jumping. ‘From now on, whoever jumps the furthest will win. They can land on their backsides, for all I care, as long as they go long.’

It is not just international sport that will be affected. The BBC has said that it will review its own schedule of domestic competitions, with many fearing that Strictly may be for the chop. However, a spokesman for Eurovision has said that their judging has always been overtly political and has only been responsible for three minor skirmishes and the rise of modern terrorism.

By helenrushworth

Earth Hoops Olympics Olympic - Free image on Pixabay

Met Police behind rigged Eurovision voting system

After yet another enquiry finds the Metropolitan police institutionally corrupt/racist/violent (delete as applicable), it is feared they may have had a hand in other corruption; such as Las Vegas slot machines, Trump’s tax returns and the reason your dish washer breaks down the day after its insurance has lapsed. It is hard to tell how widespread the malfeasance is, but what is clear is that ‘Mrs Brown’s Boys’ could not have got three seasons, without significant police interference.

Commissioner Cressida Dick has come under fire and not just for having a name that sounds like a venereal disease from a Greek tragedy. In fact, complaints against the Met have become institutionally predictable, while the public have become institutionally jaded by the whole affair.

When not covering up murders, the Met Police like to unwind by bashing female protestors, kettling children or the odd extrajudicial shooting. Asked if the Met had been involved in the bank system or election rigging, a spokeswoman said: ‘We’re crooked but not that crooked’.

image from pixabay

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Britain leaves Eurovision song contest while Australia applies to join EU

The UK government has insisted that voters in the referendum on leaving the EU would have understood it to extend to the Eurovision song contest. Representatives insisted Britain could go it alone in creating a "bolder, camper and culturally deficit version of a song contest", and didn't need cooperation with other countries to achieve that, saying it's domestic supply was ample.

Meanwhile Australia's recent entry into the Eurovision song contest has been seen as an important first step in Australia's application to gain EU membership. A source close to the EU revealed: "It makes sense. At any point half the Australian 18-25 population is back-packing in Europe while 50% of highly qualified European university graduates are picking fruit in Australia. And since Britain has left our quota of crony capitalist fossil fuelled militarily-industrial states is at historically low levels".

However, the source added that before it will consider Australia's application, the country must improve it's human rights record for Aboriginals and asylum seekers, reduce systemic racism, reduce it's extinction rate and actually have a climate change policy beyond "the coal industry told us to say this".

A spokesperson for the Prime Minister whose name no-one can remember said that "these were inseparable parts of our 120 year old national Australian culture, so don't ask us to change them".

When asked to elaborate on Australia's non-existent climate change policy the spokesperson added "digging things out the ground and selling them to the rest of the world has been the basis of our economy for 120 years. Oh, that and sheep. It's not like we've got a limitless supply of sunshine and tidal power that we could harness to export renewable energy, we're not that fortunate. We'll just have to stick to being the world's largest coal exporter as we can't think of any other options. Don't read this bit out but finish by making some off-hand comment about how harmless coal mining is. Oh whoops".

Hat-tip Sir Lupus