Boris ‘playing 4-D Eurovision chess’

Boris Johnson has been unmasked as the brilliant architect of a secret 20-year plan to win Eurovision.

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst was one of the few aides in the know ‘Boris was a massive fan of 2003's nul pointers Jemini. Boris knew we needed a comeback story so first he had to make all of Europe hate us. Hence Brexit. Then he had to make Europe feel sorry for us, by making life excruciatingly miserable here. Hence Brexit, austerity, NHS underfunding, corruption, racism, Covid contracts, partygate and Priti Patel in general. Lastly, he needed a villain, so Boris took dodgy Russian money for the Tories and laundered more through London. Next year sympathy for Ukraine will be down and Britannia will rule the sound waves.’

‘Clearly, Cheryl Baker’s skirt being whipped off had quite the effect on the young Boris.’

Image: https://pixabay.com/users/piro4d-2707530/

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UN calls for subjective sports to be phased out of Olympics

The UN has told the International Olympic Committee to phase out all subjective sports by Brisbane 2032. Any sport reliant on the opinion of judges, rather than regulated by objective criteria, is to be binned.

‘There is a real danger with these sports that personal opinion, political bias, or reckless stupidity creeps into decision making,’ explained a janitor for the UN in Geneva. ‘Those not familiar with a specific sport can be completely baffled as to why one competitor is better than another. This can lead to enormous resentment for those who don’t know why their country’s twirl is not as good as another’s flick. You start to see bitterness and resentment leading to unbridled violence. With international tensions as high as they are, we can’t risk a fluffed fakie setting off World War III.’

The IOC has agreed to a phased withdrawal, starting with sports that should be objective but have an unnecessary subjective element, such as ski jumping. ‘From now on, whoever jumps the furthest will win. They can land on their backsides, for all I care, as long as they go long.’

It is not just international sport that will be affected. The BBC has said that it will review its own schedule of domestic competitions, with many fearing that Strictly may be for the chop. However, a spokesman for Eurovision has said that their judging has always been overtly political and has only been responsible for three minor skirmishes and the rise of modern terrorism.

By helenrushworth

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