top of page
Search

Epping residents unsafe

ree

'In short, residents of Epping are unsafe,' said legal representative, Hope Porter. 'They are unsafe in that they are a danger to others, each other, and the forest. 


'Locals are responsible for the vast majority of crimes committed here. Visitors to the area and asylum seekers staying nearby must be protected from them. The tense situation cannot continue and residents must be removed for the sake of, well, Epping really.


'There have been threats, violence, and threats of violence. And that's just the media attempting to whip up riots. So the situation cannot in any way be described as a peaceful protest. My greatest fear is that they'll start bussing in professional rioters from Harlow.


'And it goes much further. Epping Council is so unsafe, it should probably be deported, My daughters are going to get raped by forrins,' screamed Gavin Clack, 56, a childless local resident. 'I'm 'ere to protect 'em, 'cause they're gonna be beautiful and very sexy. We're all here to protect Gav's sexy daughters too,' confirmed Clack's former cellmates.




Plan to cover UK in flags started by flag-maker

ree

Head down a road in England today and you might think there was an impending fete or royal visit from the sheer number of Union Flags adorning the lamp-posts and foot-bridges. However this is all part of Operation Raise The Colours; a plan started on social media to cover the country in order to show patriotism and, according to local coordinators who have been swept up in the craze, in no way an act of jingoism.


There has been much speculation about who started this; from patriots attempting to emulate the United States, to far-right protesters attempting to stake claim to their country. However, through deep investigation that went to the second page of a Google Search, it can be revealed that the mastermind behind this is the owner of a flag making factory in China.


"To put it simply, I had a surplus after the Woman's European Championships," said Fly Canton, owner of International Weaving in Shanghai. "We thought there would be a craze, like there is when the men play, of flags at windows, on cars, worn like a Temu-Superman's cape. However, nothing of the sort took place and I ended up with a warehouse of red and white crosses. I thought of selling them to Georgia, but got browsing Tik Tok one night and saw the protests and fervent anger some people seemed to have against those fleeing war and atrocities and wanting to settle in a country they saw as welcoming and safe."


Canton was grateful to the UK authorities for continuing to help his sales, telling us, "It's great how they keep taking them down because people put them in dangerous places or don't bother to seek any permission. Every one pulled down is another one bought from me to replace it. Long may this craze continue! Or at least until the next World Cup, so I can justify the extension to my production line."


Back in the UK, supports of Raise The Colours were appalled at the revelation. "It's disgusting that this company has used social media to manipulate working-class people into what they think is the right thing but is really just lining their pockets, that's my job!" said Leader of Reform UK Nigel Farage.




Zelensky's wardrobe for White House meeting to be 'a blue and yellow mankini'

ree

Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelensky has been considering his clothing options ahead of a meeting with Donald 'The Grump' Trump - a man so old that he believes all young whippersnappers should be wearing a suit and tie. There was some ludicrously feigned outfit outrage manufactured after their previous meeting.


Zelensky has considered matching the Tangerine Abomination's get up, with a dark suit and red tie that is weirdly too long, to confuse Trump into believing that they are Presidents of one anothers countries.


Alternatively, Zelensky might sellotape a piece of paper to his t-shirt with the words 'The Epstein List' written in a font big enough to be read by the watching cameras. As a back up to this idea, one advisor suggested that in order to really pique Trump's interest, Zelensky should dress as a 14 year old girl.




bottom of page