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BBC launches enquiry over how working class person was allowed on camera


Following the scandal over Masterchef presenter Gregg Wallace’s salty remarks to female contestants and production staff, the BBC has launched an internal enquiry into how a working class person came to be in front of a TV camera.



It’s emerged that Wallace was originally hired as a background artist/extra for EastEnders, to add authenticity and local colour to the street market in Albert Square. However, he was given the wrong directions by someone on the front desk and ended up in the Masterchef studio, where executives made the crucial mistake of finding his cheeky patter amusing and charming, and decided to hire him.



“I now realise that I didn’t find him charming at all,” said producer Jeremy Shirtsleeves, “and what I felt was in fact revulsion and disgust at his appalling misogyny. Oh, but in that case why did I hire him… hang on, can we start again?”



The enquiry has concluded that working class people should from now on be kept to behind the scenes roles such as electricians, set-builders and toilet cleaners, and must only be allowed in front of camera in strictly limited circumstances, such as playing lovable cockney chimney sweeps.


Finite number of monkeys still good for Mrs Browns Boys scripts

Australian mathematical researchers have dismissed the adage that an infinite number of monkeys typing for an infinitely long time would write the complete works of Shakespeare.  They point out that an infinite number of monkeys isn't plausible at any given time, and the universe is very much likely to have a finite lifetime.  They have, usefully, calculated that any given monkey is unlikely to type the word 'banana' within its own finite life.


Undeterred a spokesperson for the Mrs Brown's Boys TV show has defended the decision to utilise three monkeys for two days a week to generate a script.  'It's worked for the last thirteen years', and notwithstanding the fine calculations of the mathematicians would continue in the same way going forward.  'They may know about maths, but what do they know about writing humour?' he asked.  It turns out he was referring to the monkeys.




Supermarket introduces reverse loyalty scheme

The French owned discount supermarket chain Total-Prix has introduced a novel new loyalty scheme for its shoppers.


The new scheme is different because customers get rewards up front, and earn the loyalty points to pay for them later.  This gets over the main problem with ordinary schemes, which is that it takes too long to save up your points to earn rewards. The long wait for a reward puts off many shoppers and they drift away to other stores.


A spokesman for Total-Prix said, ‘This will rubbish all your so-called English reward schemes. Our rewards celebrate the best of french culture unlike your boring old nectar points. And there is no waiting for our rewards – sign up and take them home right now. Take that, ros-bifs!’


Rewards under the new scheme will include a five litre plastic container of top quality french wine, five kilograms of very runny and very smelly soft cheese, pernod, Gauloises, and CDs by top quality french bands.


Shoppers who don’t earn back the points required from shopping will be able to buy out the obligation to the store in other ways. For example, they could stack shelves, pick up litter in the car park, apprehend shoplifters or clean out the dumpsters.


Consumer groups are keen to promote competition between supermarket chains and have welcomed this innovation. They are a bit concerned that shoppers who select the wine reward, for example, will need to shop at the store every week for three to four years to pay for it.


Rachel Reeves has asked if she could get a hospital under the new scheme, and wanted to know how long it would take to pay for it.




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