TV gang bosses will definitely have quirky hobbies, writers confirm

The nasty head of a criminal gang in a 6 part TV drama is inevitably going to have an unusual and quirky pastime that you wouldn't expect him to have at all, scriptwriters have confirmed. 

The evil gangland boss, responsible for importing billions of pounds and drugs and causing misery and death across inner cities through a complex network of dealers, enforcers and hitmen, will invariably enjoy pruning roses in his garden, playing indoor bowls in his village hall, or clumsily trying to learn a new foreign language on Duolingo. 

'Us mafia and gang bosses may all look really, really hard, but actually we're just like you', said Mike 'Fingers' McBride, of a well-known Manchester drugs cartel.

 'There's nothing I like more of an evening than reading a bit of Tennyson, and going on my PC to build a new playroom in the made-up house I've constructed on The Sims 4. That's after I've ripped a few toes off some low life snitch with a pair of pliers. Got to get the day job done first, of course.'

'Times are changing, and we have to change with them', admitted veteran crime drama scriptwriter Daisy McDaid. 'Viewers want to see a nicely rounded drug baron. Going forward, all crime dramas will be expected to give at least 20% of screen time to the development of your gang leader's soft skills and hobbies. Trips to see Les Mis at the theatre, doing jigsaws at home, collecting those little ornaments you see advertised in the Radio Times, that kind of stuff'. 

'The exception will be Vera', continued McDaid.  'Here, all gangland bosses will continue to be unreformed hard bastards who drink a lot of whisky, usually played by that really sinister looking old guy, whose accent you can't quite pin down, but is probably Scottish.'  

Picture credit: Wix AI

European Commission to introduce trappings of democracy

European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen told journalists today that she is disappointed with the lack of public interest in the announcement of the new Commission.

'Even the Guardian seemed to be faking its enthusiasm, and most other papers barely covered it at all. Whereas, you all get so excited when you elect your national politicians, even though they hardly have any power left. So we wondered if we could somehow make Commission appointments more like national elections.'

A journalist asked whether this meant Commissioners would be elected by the people in future, causing von der Leyen to splutter into her espresso. 'Gott in Himmel - you must warn me when you’re going to say something so funny! No, I meant the trappings of democracy, not democracy itself.

'For example, we thought we might have party political broadcasts, so the public could get to know the candidates. But we did a trial run, and no one could think of anything to say except ‘Well, he’s come to the end of his useful political life, but he’s a sweet old boy, and we owe him a favour - isn’t there some job in Brussels that wouldn’t require being awake in the afternoons?’

'So then we thought, rather than announcing all the new Commissioners at once during the day, we could announce them one by one during the night, with talking heads on every channel desperately trying to fill the time in between with empty speculation. This you would stay up to watch, ja?'

The system was trialled, and although many people said they planned to stay up and watch, most gave up and turned in about 11.30.

'So I never did find out who the new Commissioner for Cohesion is,' said one enthusiastic European citizen. 'Oh, an Estonian I’ve never heard of, how about that. Bliss it is in this dawn to be alive.'

Picture credit: Wix AI. (Mr Farage's submission was unsuitable)

Northern men welcome mobile phone with just 3 emojis

Samsung has developed the Samsung Northern, a mobile phone aimed primarily at Northern men.

‘Our other phones typically have 200 emojis’, a spokesman said, ‘to represent the full range of human emotions. Market research in Warrington indicated that 3 would be plenty. It seems that people are intimidated by anything with a broader emotional range than themselves, so we’ve gone with 'Happy, Sad, Don’t Know.'

The Samsung Northern also has a Pienav, which plots the most direct route to the nearest Gregg’s in an emergency. Northerners had mixed emotions about the phone (emoji 3), telling researchers that while it stereotyped Northerners and contributed to an unhealthy and lazy comedy trope used by second-rate satirists, bloody hell there’s a Gregg’s just round the corner.

Image credit: Wix AI and deskpilot