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The nation’s TV critics have pronounced themselves shocked to their very foundations that Buying London, a show about sloaney dimwits selling expensive homes, isn’t a work of towering genius.


'Well really,' huffed the Independent’s critic. 'I came to it expecting the pathos of Chekhov, the insight of late Kieslowski and the magisterial sweep of Gabriel Garçia Marquez. Instead I find it’s some glossy airheads saying ‘Wow’ as they look around big houses. I’m so disappointed.'


'Exactly right,' agreed her colleague at the Guardian. 'I watched the whole show in a constant state of rage that rich people even exist. Actually, I couldn’t care less, but it’s a good way of auditioning for a job writing editorial content - Polly’s got to retire at some point.'


Critics were particularly savage about the constant backstabbing between two of the show’s stars, Mitzi and Ditzi, which they said was 'obviously scripted'.


'I mean, come on - two vain, ambitious glamazons being catty about each other? They must think we’ll believe anything.'


Picture credit: stablediffusionweb.com


Rishi Sunak's pledge to bring back national service, includes selling teenagers to the highest bidder. For £12.50 you can rent a kid to fight your war or mow your lawn. This will give them valuable lessons in community and indentured servitude. Said a spokesman: 'It's about kids giving something back and share holders taking a little something out.


 'We can't trust the public sector to deliver public sector services. Kids need to be outsourced. And if Southern Water can run a tap, they can run a teenage fire service - just don't expect the water to be clean.


'18 year olds will be taught to serve. To serve drinks and hors d'oeuvres mainly.'


Asked he thought MPs should also make an effort to serve the nation, he just laughed. And laughed. And laughed.


Picture credit: Wix AI


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A General Election on 4th July means that the Euros (from 14th June) and Wimbledon (joining in from 1st July) will save millions from eye-gougingly tedious General Election build up coverage.


UK sports fans have been pouring beer and/or Pimms over themselves in celebration at missing out on clips of Sunak and Starmer pretending to listen to questions from idiots or failing to perform basic physical labour whilst wearing a hi-vis jacket and hard hat.


Sport scientist Karolina Krychowiak said 'The only thing you have to be careful of is Euros games involving England and Scotland because you may have to endure carefully orchestrated photos of the leaders sitting awkwardly surrounded by cheering sycophants, pretending that they're watching "the footballs", with "some pints" and "their mates" because "they're just like you". ' 


'What a load of balls.'


Picture credit: Wix

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