Office of Useless Sods: the Bermuda Pants Triangle

One of the greatest political innovations is the Bermuda Pants Triangle. Rather than making any attempt to fix the problems they created, leaders in power whine about the people blaming them for how everything is screwed up. So politicians and special advisers are tasked with coming up with a way of shifting the blame for everything somewhere else.

The solution is to install a czar to look into the problem, and then create independent watchdogs and regulators to oversee the specific things screwed up. The people blame their leader, the leader blames the czar, the czar blames the regulator, and the regulator blames the government. The people become disillusioned with nothing actually being fixed, and the whole problem disappears into the Bermuda Pants Triangle.

Inevitably, much more time and taxpayer money is spent shifting the blame than could have gone into completely resolving the issues in the first place, and the whole useless mess becomes the accepted norm.

That's what great leadership is all about.

Now when you contact anyone about a problem and you are given the run around several departments, you are sucked into a BPT vortex and lost forever. Here is your comprehensive guide to the czars and watchdog offices of responsibility-hand-washing:

Rudeness csar: OffHand

Animal organs czar: OffAll

Carpeting czar: OffCuts

Cycling czar - OffRoad

Prevarication czar - OffAgenonagen

Sickness czar - OffWork

Redundancy regulator - OffShove

Missing persons supremo - OffRadar

Murder czar - OffBump

Offend - Government body formed to look into bottoms :

Offence - Government body formed to regulate the trade in stolen goods

Offline - Government body formed to oversee drug rehabilitation centres

Office - Government body formed to oversee activities in Antarctica

Offend - Government body formed to look into bottoms

Offsett - Government body supervising farmers' provision for badgers

OffTen - Government body responsible for supervising decimalisation

Office for Retail Milk Standards to be called OffMilk

New Government body to regulate boring football talk - OffSighed

Music Industry regulator - OffBeat

Skiing - OffPiste

It support - OffAndonagain

Counterfeit goods - KnockOff

Offquay - regulator for small harbours

Offerr, offagain and offtopic - regulatory bodies for "Just A Minute"

Offgrid - regulation of crossword, sudoku and related puzzle compilers

Offlimits - governor governance

Offsure - management of uncertainty in parliamentary statements

Offwight - local government quango overseeing Ryde to Southsea journeys

Offenders - alternate name for the Council of British Proctologists

OffplanIT - committee overseeing large government technology projects

Offcock - gender reassignment surgery

And the new Water regulator is to be renamed as UTwat, the 'U' standing for Useless, and...

Contributions from and hat tips to:

Lockjaw, deskpilot, Jack the Quipper, Titus, FlashArry, peterg, SteveB

Woke to Bloke - Parents divorce their 'woke' children and adopt Dave

In a shocking turn of events, a family in a town in the north of England has become the talk of the area after chucking their ‘woke’ kids out on their ear.

Meet the Johnsons, an ordinary family whose lives took an extraordinary turn when they decided to divorce their own children in favour of a bloke down the pub called Dave, due to ideological differences.

Clash of Ideals Tears the Family Apart

Mr. and Mrs. Johnson once shared a picture-perfect family life, but as time went on, the widening chasm between their beliefs and those of their children began to take its toll.

Family dinners, once filled with laughter and love, became battlegrounds of debates over what Mrs Johnson said “was their insistence on being ‘woke’ about everything, really everything including gays and foreigners. We can’t take it any more. We’ll think what we want to think and that’s the end of it”

The situation concluded when children, Chloe (24) and Jake (20) were dispelled from the family home completely and The Johnson’s brought in a lodger, Dave.

The decision that sent shockwaves through the community - they chose to divorce their own children. The announcement left friends, neighbours, and even family members astounded and bewildered.

In an emotionally charged statement, Mr. Johnson shouted, "It was an easy decision. They just started getting on our tits. Good riddance to them. Our lives are far more peaceful now we can just say what we like."

Adopting a Bloke Named Dave

The family's story took a more peculiar turn when the Johnsons decided to fill the void left by their children by adopting Dave the new lodger, a bloke they’d met in their local pub, through the quiz team. Dave who’s in his 40s and is described by locals as, “a lively and boisterous character”, shared views more aligned with the Johnsons'.

Dave told reporters that, “people these days have got it all wrong.” And that, “white middle aged British men were at the bottom of the pile.” He told us that Nigel Farage was “the only man in the country making any sense.”

Nigel Farage has been in the news recently because he was exposed by the BBC as being too poor to have an account with a posh bank and was forced to bank with NatWest. When we asked Dave about this he told us, “Nigel Farage was treated very badly. I feel sorry for him.” Dave suggested starting a ‘fund me’ page so that Nigel can be rich enough again to bank at Coutts.

Children React to the Unthinkable

Chloe and Jake were left heartbroken and stunned by their parents' decision to divorce them. "It's like we don't matter anymore," Chloe expressed tearfully. "We thought parents were supposed to love their children unconditionally."

But amidst the sorrow, the children confessed to feeling some sense of relief. They no longer had to endure what they called “thick shit” from mum and dad.

The Johnsons' decision sent shockwaves through the community, igniting passionate debates about parental responsibilities and the impact of political ideologies on family dynamics. Some people we interviewed in the community were convinced that the whole thing was about sex. One person commented that, “Dave was a pervert.”

Support groups and counselling services emerged, offering help and guidance to Chloe and Jake.

Navigating the New Chapter

The Johnsons are forging ahead with their unorthodox decision. They are determined to redefine their family dynamics in a way that allows them to, “say what they want when they want”.

The tale of the Johnsons serves as a thought-provoking reminder that family relationships can be complex and multifaceted. It stands as an example of the impact political ideologies have on familial bonds, prompting us all to reflect on the importance of open communication, understanding, and empathy in these challenging times.

Written by AlexCrisp

Olay discovers more than seven signs of ageing

Cosmetics firm Olay admitted today it had actually discovered more signs of ageing than the quoted seven, but didn't mention them in its advertising as its creams don't do anything to combat them.

'Waddling from side to side on the pavement so no one can get past you,' said a spokesman today. "Yeah, we've had no luck curing that. We did try a combination of Ylang Ylang and oil of jasmine, but surprisingly it had no effect at all.

'Nor could we fix never listening when people speak to you, having the TV at an almost painful volume or uncontrollable flatulence.

'Most worrying of all is the tendency to grumble that in some vague way things aren't what they used to be, also known as "traditional values". We hoped we could at least prevent this developing into full-blown racism, but no luck.

'Mind you, it's a lot to expect of a skin cream. We can't even get rid of the all-pervading smell of lavender and urine.'

Asked for a comment, an aged person said, 'Eh? What? Is it time for Countdown yet?'