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Olay discovers more than seven signs of ageing

Cosmetics firm Olay admitted today it had actually discovered more signs of ageing than the quoted seven, but didn't mention them in its advertising as its creams don't do anything to combat them.

'Waddling from side to side on the pavement so no one can get past you,' said a spokesman today. "Yeah, we've had no luck curing that. We did try a combination of Ylang Ylang and oil of jasmine, but surprisingly it had no effect at all.

'Nor could we fix never listening when people speak to you, having the TV at an almost painful volume or uncontrollable flatulence.

'Most worrying of all is the tendency to grumble that in some vague way things aren't what they used to be, also known as "traditional values". We hoped we could at least prevent this developing into full-blown racism, but no luck.

'Mind you, it's a lot to expect of a skin cream. We can't even get rid of the all-pervading smell of lavender and urine.'

Asked for a comment, an aged person said, 'Eh? What? Is it time for Countdown yet?'

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