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Woke to Bloke - Parents divorce their 'woke' children and adopt Dave

In a shocking turn of events, a family in a town in the north of England has become the talk of the area after chucking their ‘woke’ kids out on their ear.

Meet the Johnsons, an ordinary family whose lives took an extraordinary turn when they decided to divorce their own children in favour of a bloke down the pub called Dave, due to ideological differences.

Clash of Ideals Tears the Family Apart

Mr. and Mrs. Johnson once shared a picture-perfect family life, but as time went on, the widening chasm between their beliefs and those of their children began to take its toll.

Family dinners, once filled with laughter and love, became battlegrounds of debates over what Mrs Johnson said “was their insistence on being ‘woke’ about everything, really everything including gays and foreigners. We can’t take it any more. We’ll think what we want to think and that’s the end of it”

The situation concluded when children, Chloe (24) and Jake (20) were dispelled from the family home completely and The Johnson’s brought in a lodger, Dave.

The decision that sent shockwaves through the community - they chose to divorce their own children. The announcement left friends, neighbours, and even family members astounded and bewildered.

In an emotionally charged statement, Mr. Johnson shouted, "It was an easy decision. They just started getting on our tits. Good riddance to them. Our lives are far more peaceful now we can just say what we like."

Adopting a Bloke Named Dave

The family's story took a more peculiar turn when the Johnsons decided to fill the void left by their children by adopting Dave the new lodger, a bloke they’d met in their local pub, through the quiz team. Dave who’s in his 40s and is described by locals as, “a lively and boisterous character”, shared views more aligned with the Johnsons'.

Dave told reporters that, “people these days have got it all wrong.” And that, “white middle aged British men were at the bottom of the pile.” He told us that Nigel Farage was “the only man in the country making any sense.”

Nigel Farage has been in the news recently because he was exposed by the BBC as being too poor to have an account with a posh bank and was forced to bank with NatWest. When we asked Dave about this he told us, “Nigel Farage was treated very badly. I feel sorry for him.” Dave suggested starting a ‘fund me’ page so that Nigel can be rich enough again to bank at Coutts.

Children React to the Unthinkable

Chloe and Jake were left heartbroken and stunned by their parents' decision to divorce them. "It's like we don't matter anymore," Chloe expressed tearfully. "We thought parents were supposed to love their children unconditionally."

But amidst the sorrow, the children confessed to feeling some sense of relief. They no longer had to endure what they called “thick shit” from mum and dad.

The Johnsons' decision sent shockwaves through the community, igniting passionate debates about parental responsibilities and the impact of political ideologies on family dynamics. Some people we interviewed in the community were convinced that the whole thing was about sex. One person commented that, “Dave was a pervert.”

Support groups and counselling services emerged, offering help and guidance to Chloe and Jake.

Navigating the New Chapter

The Johnsons are forging ahead with their unorthodox decision. They are determined to redefine their family dynamics in a way that allows them to, “say what they want when they want”.

The tale of the Johnsons serves as a thought-provoking reminder that family relationships can be complex and multifaceted. It stands as an example of the impact political ideologies have on familial bonds, prompting us all to reflect on the importance of open communication, understanding, and empathy in these challenging times.

Written by AlexCrisp

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