Fashion designers confess: it’s mostly just insulation

The fashion world has been rocked to its core by revelations that clothing exists to keep us warm and cover our nakedness.

‘No, you’ve got that wrong’ said Stella (23), never been gainfully employed yet somehow expensively dressed. ‘Life is fashion. Fashion is life. What could be clearer?’

NewsBiscuit spoke to several fashionably dressed people in central London. They were all bloody annoying. All agreed that fashion is an art form, on a par with poetry or music. Or that other one.

Pablo (not his real name) is a fashion designer. He is wearing outlandish glasses and some kind of poncho. He only agreed to be interviewed on condition that we disguised his voice. After several attempts to explain that NewsBiscuit doesn’t have audio we gave up and promised to do it, so please pretend that this is being voiced by an actor.

‘I grew up believing in fashion the way other children believed in Father Christmas. All I ever wanted to do was make fabulous clothes for beautiful people. Looking back I can see that my Dad was disappointed – he wanted me to play for Aston Villa and drink pints.

‘Fashion school was a form of indoctrination. Insulation wasn’t even mentioned. We were terrified of missing a trend – I used to set my alarm for 4am so I could check out Japanese fashion websites and get a head start on the day. My best friend at college killed herself after a disastrous fling with moire silk. We all said it was for the best’.

If fashion disappears completely, nerds and fashionistas will be on more of a level playing field. Companies will have to do more in-depth interviews to filter out whichever type they don't want (usually nerds, unless the company actually produces something) and we might find more nerds successfully breeding. Whether that’s a positive remains to be seen.

Image from Pixabay by Pexels:

https://pixabay.com/photos/catwalk-models-women-fashion-1840941/

'I said I was resigning from parliament and now I want to change my mind'

Today's dilemma concerns an anonymous member of parliament.

Dear Aunt Brenda,

I recently had a bit of a rush to the head and announced I was resigning from my well paid job as a member of parliament and I've since realised that this might not be the wisest thing I've ever done. Do you think it would look bad if I tried to unresign?

Aunt Brenda replies:

It's very easy to criticise. Actually, it's a piece of cake. I spent five minutes at it this morning and came up with 500 words about you without pausing. You might try and move on to a new career; why not apply for a job at Channel 4? I'm sure they'd have been impressed with your programme on Talk TV - at least, if anyone had watched it. To be positive, your resignation announcement is one of the most popular things you've done. I'm sure you wouldn't want to upset your former colleagues by changing your minds, and to help with your decision, I've attached flight times to Rwanda.

I hope this helps!

Truth 'up the duff'

Truth has admitted that she is expecting a child.

Rumours abound that Boris Johnson is the father, even though truth is more of a concept than an actual person. The rumours do have some credibility, however, as everyone knows that Boris did always have a strange relationship with the truth.