Normal Person not deliriously ecstatic that a bad politician is being held to account

A normal person with a balanced view of world was shouted at because they were not jumping around screaming in delight when a terrible person faced just reprimands for their horrible actions.

She is puzzled by the cries of 'Why aren’t you joyful? You said he was awful, and you have been proved right, why aren’t you dancing around letting off party poppers?'

She replied by stating, 'I am genuinely upset that my government had allowed this charlatan to get to the highest position in the land, a role which they were clearly unsuitable for. I am embarrassed by them and gain no pleasure in recognising my country is seen as a joke.'

'Dance!' was the reply.

A frothing, red faced mob participant followed up with 'I can’t understand it, I would be going mental if someone I hated got their comeuppance. I’d buy a hat and everything.'

At time of press, it is still unclear if the individual was from the UK or the USA.

US presidential candidates allowed to give age in dog years to avoid sounding too old

Washington has finally found a way around the problem of the embarrassing number of octogenarians jostling to become the next resident of the White House. With assistance from the American Kennel Club, each geriatric candidate has been assigned a new canine age.

Congressman Winthrop Stoad III of Georgia, 94, has just entered the contest as a 31-year-old. 'It helps people forget that I've been in Congress since 1948 and voted for Jim Crow laws right through the 1950s,' he explains.

However, candidate Senator Bill Wilks of Massachusetts, 38, is not happy: 'My new age is 10 and my campaign manager has just been arrested for child trafficking.'

Joe Biden is also having problems adjusting to being caninised. 'He's taking the whole dog thing too seriously,' complains one of his aides. 'I wish he'd stop barking and trying to hump my leg.'

Woman convinced that just getting one more little treat will sort her life out

23-year-old Olivia Adams remains convinced that continuing to treat herself to “a little something” will radically transform her life and make everything fall into place.

‘I see something I like, and I build my identity from there up,’ Olivia tells us. ‘Every new top from Zara ushers in a new era of my life, a new paradigm for living.’

‘Hats were a thing for a while,’ Olivia’s best friend Emma recalls. ‘Hats reinvigorated her will to live for a few days, then she moved on to the next thing. She is a restless teenager, trying on different identities, hoping that it will lead to self-actualisation. Needless to say, she’s in major debt.’

Olivia’s bedroom is a graveyard of aborted microtrends. She was into tarot cards for a while, but they are gathering dust beside her crochet hooks and her dying house-plants. She’s redownloaded Duolingo, and now learning Hebrew will be her “thing".

‘I truly don’t believe there is a single problem in my life that can’t be sorted by buying a cute outfit, a £6 latte, and just walking around.’

As Olivia's bank account dwindles, her collection of "life-changing" items grows exponentially. Each new acquisition is hailed as the missing piece of her existential puzzle, the catalyst that will usher her into a life of fulfilment and accomplishment. "Just one more treat," she whispers to herself, with an almost religious fervour, as she hands over her hard-earned money.