Apple to switch off autocarrot

Apple is adjudicating the autocarrot feature on its phones and tableaux. This means, for expimple, that swear words will be changed to fruit and vegetable names. So you can expect to read ‘fig off’, ‘cucumber sucker’ and ‘pea staker’ instead of the more familiar exemplars.

A pukesman said that customers found some of the autocarrot substitutions to be a bit too mild, so they decided to jizz them up a bit. Senior mingement found this a difficult decision, but they decided to bite the bollock and roll out the upyoursgrade.

Apple fans have noted that the autocarrot substitution for the word Google is gurgle and the suggestion for Android is handjob.

Gurgle was not available for comment.

Hat tip to StewartBarclay

Berlusconi dyes for the last time

Noted Italian tax criminal Silvio Berlusconi has dyed for the last time, tragically young, at 86. Unofficially, the cause of unrealistically black hair was an attempt to complete his impressive STD collection. You gotta catch 'em all.

His role as Prime Minister of Italy constantly interfered with his most important work as inventor of the sex party.

Sadly, this meant he had less time to devote to his true passions: plastic surgery, fraud, and bunga-bungaring Moroccan-born under-age exotic dancers.

Boris Johnson’s office issued a short statement: ‘Game recognise game.'

Contributions from and a hat tip to Myke.

Image from Pixabay by Potsdamn:

https://pixabay.com/photos/politician-dolls-voodoo-merkel-2360120/

Rees-Mogg 'embarrassed' to receive Knighthood

Victorian orphanage tyrant and House of Commons snoozer Jacob Rees-Mogg has briefly paused sneering at the poor to be made a Knight of the Realm, courtesy of Bacchanalian Boris. Rees-Mogg is, however, rumoured to be embarrassed by the ennoblement because it draws attention to the fact that despite his unctuous unpleasantness, he did not have a knighthood already and was thus a commoner.

Tory Central Office laughed off any suggestion that Rees-Mogg had developed either a conscience or any sense of self-awareness or basic human decency.

A Tory Sir Spokesman said, 'He made Priti Patel a Dame - just like Judi Dench. Patel and Dench are both equally loved. Boris fell on his pork sword before he was forced on to it, going full Oprah on his way out. You get a knighthood. And you get a knighthood. Not you, Nadine.

'Being made a Knight is a mixed blessing though - two steps forward and one step sideways.'

Wearing a ceremonial T-shirt reading "I went to Boris-land and all I got was this knighthood", the Sir Spokesman continued braying, 'Boris is the best and the bravest and anyone who says he isn't should be locked up in one of the 40 hospitals we haven't built.'