Victorian orphanage tyrant and House of Commons snoozer Jacob Rees-Mogg has briefly paused sneering at the poor to be made a Knight of the Realm, courtesy of Bacchanalian Boris. Rees-Mogg is, however, rumoured to be embarrassed by the ennoblement because it draws attention to the fact that despite his unctuous unpleasantness, he did not have a knighthood already and was thus a commoner.
Tory Central Office laughed off any suggestion that Rees-Mogg had developed either a conscience or any sense of self-awareness or basic human decency.
A Tory Sir Spokesman said, 'He made Priti Patel a Dame - just like Judi Dench. Patel and Dench are both equally loved. Boris fell on his pork sword before he was forced on to it, going full Oprah on his way out. You get a knighthood. And you get a knighthood. Not you, Nadine.
'Being made a Knight is a mixed blessing though - two steps forward and one step sideways.'
Wearing a ceremonial T-shirt reading "I went to Boris-land and all I got was this knighthood", the Sir Spokesman continued braying, 'Boris is the best and the bravest and anyone who says he isn't should be locked up in one of the 40 hospitals we haven't built.'