Ed Sheeran plays for jury, who then sentence him to death

In what was supposed to be a dispute over copyright, Mr. Sheeran unwittingly provoked anger in the courtroom, by inflicting his music on others. One juror was seen to be bleeding from the ears, while others began self-harming.

Eye witnesses confirmed Mr. Sheeran had gone on a spree, killing one tune after another, with the same 'bloody guitar'. Showing how he composed, jurors likened it to a serial killer reinacting his crimes, but where the screaming is off key.

Police found his 'trophy room' with the grisly remains of Grammys and a half-eaten Elton John. On summation, the Judge said: 'For crimes against music, I sentence you to be hung by the guitar string until dead.'

‘No trainers’ rule at polling stations

Citizens hoping to vote at next month’s local elections have been told to “bring photo ID and dress smartly” or risk being turned away.

‘Voting is a solemn civic duty’, a spokesman said. ‘We can’t have riff raff turning up in ripped jeans or trainers. This is a classy country, we don’t want that sort’.

Voter fraud is a massive problem, causing as many as 0.0000001% of votes to be incorrectly cast. The problem has been identified as postal votes, so voters are being advised not to wear trainers when they walk to the postbox and to take a photo of themselves posting the vote, just in case.

Prime Minister Rishi Sunak (yes, really) has been criticised by members of his party for “wasting” the move at the local elections, when it would have more effect at next year’s General Election. ‘Just like Rishi to go off prematurely’, one MP told us. ‘Or so I’ve heard. Boris would have done gerrymandering properly’.

Despite the government’s best efforts, the local elections are likely to be a bloodbath for Conservative councils. Also, despite the government’s best efforts, the pound will continue sinking, inflation will go up, rents will be unaffordable, rivers of shit will flow (apologies to E Powell), children will drown in the Channel, people will die waiting for an ambulance and the world will gaze on, agog, wondering whether the Conservative Party will select “Ozymandias” as its poem of the year.

Burglar grateful you left the radio on

Less of a deterrent, more of an entertainment service, millions of families leave a radio on to fool would be burglars. Said one sociologist: 'This is based on the false premise that all criminals live in mortal fear of Radio Two.'

In fact, most thieves attest to the music relieving the tension of their activity, said one: 'It gets so lonely, rummaging around. Having Ken Bruce's soothing words, really helps you focus on finding Aunty Edna's pearl necklace.

'And can I say a big thank you for the security light. Finding my way through a darkened garden is a nightmare, so I really appreciate the extra help. And thanks for leaving that spare key under that rock by the door, that's exactly where I would have left it.'

www.newsbiscuit.com