Hobbits must defeat orcs to reach Mount Doom. Nazgûls can show bus pass

Hobbits have been urged to set out early after questing rules were tightened by Lord Sauron. Anyone under 5ft tall is now required to bring nine magical rings to Mount Doom. Nazgûls can show a bus pass, a 60+ rail card, or a bag of Werther's Originals.

Dark Lord Sauron insists he is tightening the rules to combat questing-fraud. Lord Aragont, Legless the Brave, Coffey the dwarf, Suella the Balrog, and the Daily Mail have all welcomed the changes.

Critics fear the number of heroes setting out to save Middle-Earth from destruction will fall. Hobbits and warriors have been urged to set off by last year at the latest.

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SNP demand to be put in an independent Scottish prison

As senior party officials face arrest, Scottish Nationalists insist that proceedings avoid any hint of Englishness, which rules out any acquittal because the Judge went to Eton with you. Instead, SNP members face the most brutal of prison conditions, being a cell-mate with a Glaswegian murderer, addicted to heroin infused offal and deep-fried short bread.

Their lawyer remarked: 'My clients will only answer questions on financial corruption, if those questions are in Gaelic and uttered by a Taggart lookalike.'

A police-spokeswoman added: 'On the issue of financial irregularity, our suspicions were raised when the SNP tried to pass off fake bank notes. How were we to know that's what Scottish money looks like?'

Rev Green set to be freed as new evidence points to shocking miscarriage of justice

Convicted murderer, The Reverend Green, is to be released from prison after what’s being called a gross miscarriage of justice during the now infamous Cluedo Mansion murder case in 2009.

Green was sent down for a full life term without remission, following Mum’s revelation it was he who committed the grizzly murder using a length of lead-piping in the mansion’s stately ballroom.

However, that conviction is now being called unsafe after new evidence emerged accusing Mum of being a serial cheat at all family board games.

Daughter Tamsin confirmed Mum had once stashed an extra £500 note from a second Monopoly set, in order to settle a crippling fine that would otherwise have seen her crash out of the game after she landed on Mayfair which belonged to Toby who had a hotel on it.

Dad said: ‘You think you know someone and that they can be trusted, then they go and do something like this. It’s impossible to convict Rev Green now as we only have Mum’s word for it that the incriminating evidence was actually even in the envelope at that time.’

But Mum was putting on a brave face. ‘They can say what they like. I’m not worried. At the end of the day, this is all just over a silly trivial pursuit.'

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