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SNP demand to be put in an independent Scottish prison

As senior party officials face arrest, Scottish Nationalists insist that proceedings avoid any hint of Englishness, which rules out any acquittal because the Judge went to Eton with you. Instead, SNP members face the most brutal of prison conditions, being a cell-mate with a Glaswegian murderer, addicted to heroin infused offal and deep-fried short bread.

Their lawyer remarked: 'My clients will only answer questions on financial corruption, if those questions are in Gaelic and uttered by a Taggart lookalike.'

A police-spokeswoman added: 'On the issue of financial irregularity, our suspicions were raised when the SNP tried to pass off fake bank notes. How were we to know that's what Scottish money looks like?'

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