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SNP demand to be put in an independent Scottish prison



As senior party officials face arrest, Scottish Nationalists insist that proceedings avoid any hint of Englishness, which rules out any acquittal because the Judge went to Eton with you. Instead, SNP members face the most brutal of prison conditions, being a cell-mate with a Glaswegian murderer, addicted to heroin infused offal and deep-fried short bread.


Their lawyer remarked: 'My clients will only answer questions on financial corruption, if those questions are in Gaelic and uttered by a Taggart lookalike.'


A police-spokeswoman added: 'On the issue of financial irregularity, our suspicions were raised when the SNP tried to pass off fake bank notes. How were we to know that's what Scottish money looks like?'

Transspecies criminal sent to zoo



In yet another story illustrating how Scotland's justice system is way more enlightened than the rest of the UK, a convicted criminal has won the right to be sentenced in line with his self-declared species.


Kevin McTaggart, who wishes from now on to be known as Lum Lum, praised Nicola Sturgeon's decision to respect his identity as a panda bear without asking for any evidence that it was true, or indeed possible.


It's thought McTaggart will spend 10-15 years at Edinburgh zoo, with possible early release for good behaviour eg posing for photos with tourists, eating up all his bamboo and not throwing shit.


However, McTaggart was less pleased to learn he would be expected to mate with the zoo's female panda and produce cubs.


"Er... I'm a female panda myself, did I not mention? I'm sure I've got a gender recognition certificate here somewhere..."



Serial rapist “definitely no threat to women”, say experts



Kevin McTaggart, convicted today in Glasgow’s Crown Court of the rape of 17 women over a period of several years, is “definitely not a threat to women”, experts have pronounced.


They went on to say there was no problem at all with sending her to a women’s prison, in line with her recent change of gender identification.


McTaggart, who wishes now to be known as Cassandra, said that she’d made this last-minute decision “in order to be true to what I feel inside”, and definitely not because she looked forward to having hundreds of vulnerable women unable to get away from her.


The decision was welcomed by trans campaigners, who said they regret the fact that some unenlightened people still insist on scaremongering.


”For God’s sake, we just want to live our lives - we’re no threat to women whatsoever. I would have thought all the death and rape threats I sent those feminist bitches had made that clear.”



Image: https://pixabay.com/users/williamcho-1724357/



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