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Assisted suicide ‘much cheaper’ if you know Jeffrey Epstein




Dignitas are offering a special discount to any member of the Illuminati who would like to avoid questioning by Interpol. Said a spokeswoman: ‘Normally we would only assist the terminally ill, but we are broadening our offer to include anyone who has met Peter Mandelson’.




Assisted Suicide covers a range of services; including a soundproof police cell, no CCTV and a surprisingly large number of nooses left lying around. Said one Assassin: ‘Basically its seven degrees of Jeffrey Epstein. If we think you might spill the beans, we’ll be visiting you with a nice cup of Horlicks and a spoonful of Ricin’.




Dignitas confirmed: ‘The great thing about the scheme, is you don’t have to volunteer for it, Bill Clinton will do that for you. Some kindly benefactor has already paid for Giselle Maxwell and Prince Andrew’s butler’




First published 1 Mar 2022


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Well she did refer to the Fifth rather a lot.  Probably asked for a glass of water and a pardon.  Which, given the amount of dirt she didn't spread, is probably in the post.  The pardon that is, not the water.  She almost certainly didn't drink the water anyway once she'd thought about it given Epstein managed to hang himself with paper towels while the CCTV was off.


For those with short memories, here's the revelations one last time.


image from pixabay

Prisoners leave HMP Blunder for the Christmas break


HMP Blunder is breaking up for the Christmas holidays after a busy autumn term.


Its 347 inmates will be released by mistake to wander around deprived areas of London in their prison clothes until they are rounded up by the police and herded back to their cells.


HMP Blunder's governor, Eric Bungle, will oversee the end-of-term prize giving ceremony, when everyone will sing the prison song: It's the Most Blunderful Time of the Year.


Hadush Kebatu is to be given the Metropolitan Police Award for being the cinchest person ever to catch.


Justice Secretary David Lammy has been made Head Scapegoat, so that the Prison Service has someone to take the blame for its constant foul-ups.


There will be no deportations at the end of term because the Home Office has been too disorganised to arrange the flights.


HMP Blunder starts its new term in January, or February, or whenever the cops manage to find everyone.


It will then be welcoming several new faces, thanks to Mr Lammy's cost-cutting court reforms. They'll be people sent to jail on the whim of a judge after a jury-less trial, or having had no trial at all.



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