Prisons to be modelled on Russian Dolls

To deal with overcrowding the Home Office insisted that there will be cells within cells, with prisoners reduced to a single molecule. A government report celebrated this achievement before noting that all 12,000 molecules are now sharing the same molecule-sized cell.

Initially the prison population had been reduced to the size of a grain of rice. Explained one warden, ‘There was an emphasis on petty, small crimes-ideally with small criminals. The idea was to develop a strain of miniaturized prisoners. Microscopic ne’er-do-wells unseen to the naked Home Secretary. Trouble is they kept sneaking out through the keyhole. Last week the whole of Cell Block D snuck out on the hem of my trouser leg.’

During a riot, prisoners overturn a miniature dining table, causing a disturbance measurable only with advanced quantum equipment and a very concerned ant. The fear is that now many dangerous criminals are on the loose – but we just can’t spot them without a magnify glass.

Image: hannahalkadi - Pixabay

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Prisoners released early for Edinburgh festival

In July, Edinburgh Prison set free over a hundred prisoners under the government's early release scheme.

Rather than making space for new prisoners, the Edinburgh scheme helps boost prison service finances. 'It's simple,' explained a Prison Service accountant and former embezzler. 'We can rent out cells in D wing to Edinburgh festival acts and make a mint. Accommodation in Edinburgh is so expensive that we can charge £300 a night for a cell, or £600 for single occupancy.'

Jerry Lafferty, not his real name, has a musical comedy act. He performs daily on The Royal Mile and hopes one day to perform in one of the venues. He told us that D wing is easily better than anywhere else that he's stayed during the Fringe.  'This place is secure, it has a curfew at 10.30pm so you can sleep without being disturbed, meals are at regular times, and it has an exercise yard. That's already better than most Airbnb's.  I do get teased a bit - my act is criminal, I have to lock the audience in, I've got a cell out show, etc. - but I don't mind. My colleagues are all sleeping on Waverley Station or in a van in the B&Q car park, so the joke's on them.'

Edinburgh prison is doing so well out of the scheme that it may be adopted more widely.  Shepton Mallet prison is quite handy for Glastonbury, Cheltenham prison could rent out cells during Gold Cup week, and Manchester prison could be used every Saturday for home games.

Image credit: perchance.org

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If Andrew is jailed , will his prison get a Royal warrant ?

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