Ministry of Justice to implement new hard-hitting plans to deal with convicted prisoners

In an attempt to staunch the recent and highly embarrassing flow of prisoners being allowed to go free moments after having been sentenced to imprisonment, the Ministry of Justice has issued new tough guidelines.

A department spokesman explained: 'We've come up with a rather clever scheme, actually. As convicted prisoners leave the dock, a security guard will accompany them to a holding area in the court to be known as "the cells".

'There they will await the arrival of transport to bring them to jail. Upon arrival there they will be shown into their new accommodation and the door will then be locked. Why no one's thought of it before is somewhat puzzling. Gosh, what silly old sausages we've been.' 

Photo by 7500 RPM on Unsplash

Four prisoners freed in error survive as soldiers of fortune

The BBC has been told at least four prisoners, released in error, are still at large. They are believed to be a crack commando unit, that was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn’t commit. These men were promptly released under government guidelines from a maximum security stockade . They are still wanted today, surviving as soldiers of fortune.

The four members of the gang are; John 'Hannibal' Smith, Templeton Peck (aka 'Faceman'), 'Howling Mad' Murdock and 'B.A.' Baracus. They are known to drive around in a customised 1983 GMC Vandura van, recognisable by its black and gray two-tone paint job, red stripe, red turbine-style wheels, and rooftop spoiler.

The public are being warned not to leave any welding gear unattended, and to keep all old yellow school busses safely locked away. If you have a problem, If no one else can help, even if you can find them, David Lammy is warning people not to approach them. Especially with your phone camera, he doesn't need any more bad publicity

Image: WixAI

Prisoners literally game the system using Monopoly cards

Multiple prisoners walked out of HMP Wandsworth yesterday after a Monopoly Set was dropped by Chance from a passing delivery drone. Several prisoners used the “Get out of Jail Free” cards on a confused and overwhelmed Parole Board. Two more rolled doubles and ended up going free, one with bonus Free Parking, amazing in itself in that area of London.

One fraudster bribed a guard for just £50. To the guard’s dismay, the money wasn’t even real and was only printed on one side.

David Lammy was unavailable for comment as he was celebrating his £10 win on coming second in a beauty contest.

In response the Ministry of Justice has issued tough, draconian new prison guidelines. A spokesman explained: 'We've come up with a rather clever scheme. As convicted prisoners leave the dock, a security guard will accompany them to a holding area in the court known as the cells. There they will await the arrival of transport to bring them to jail. Upon arrival at the prison they will be shown into their new accommodation and the door will then be locked. Why no one's thought of it before is somewhat puzzling. What silly old sausages we've been.' 

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