Prince William’s birthday marked by smiling toilet photo

An image of Prince William sitting on a toilet has been released to mark his forty first birthday on Sunday. Delighted readers of the Express and Mail were treated to close-up shots of the cheeky prince as he ‘sits on the throne’ at Kensington Palace. In a fresh departure from tradition, the photos were taken by a hidden camera rather than the Duchess of Cambridge.

The smiling prince is shown with his trousers around his ankles and a roll of quilted Fortnum & Mason toilet roll in his hand. Sales of the toilet roll have sky-rocketed since the picture was published.

Last year the royal birthday was marked by a photo of William sitting in a greenhouse, absently picking his nose while watching an episode of Pointless on his iPhone. Viewing figures for Pointless have sky-rocketed and garden centres report a shortage of greenhouses.

As Prince Andrew prepares to celebrate his 64th birthday, people are urged to buy spank-paddles and peanut butter in good time.

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How Prince Louis' wheelbarrow differs from the one the young King rode in

Prince Louis was photographed, on his fifth birthday, in a more comfortable, relatively modern, wheelbarrow than the traditional Royal single wheeled garden cart.

The Gold State Wheel barrow has been used in every royal birthday photoshoot since the 1830s which William IV used to push his niece, Victoria, round the Buckingham Palace croquet lawn.

The new Diamond Jubilee Wheelbarrow is much more modern than it appears, with air conditioning, electric windows and up-to-date suspension. It shuns the traditional single wheel arrangement, opting for a power hungry four wheel drive.

"It's made of aluminium, which is quite unusual, because most of them are made of steel, and it's also got hydraulic suspension, meaning that the ride is incredibly comfortable," says Bayleaf the Gardener, Guardian of the Royal Dibber.

It incorporates pieces of wood from historic betting shops and houses of ill repute, including Arthur Daley's Winchester Club and Mrs Miggin's Pie Shop.

A Collector's replica will go on sale to the public to coincide with the Coronation. It includes a replica Corgi, and a scale model of Prince Andrew which can be ejected at the first sight of a member of the Paparazzi.

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Coronation cock rings selling like hot cakes

The desire to demonstrate royalist patriotism better than you through the medium of consumerism is already reaching fever pitch. Sales of coronation merchandise have been described as rampant, with Coronation Cockrings outselling Nicholas Witchell pin cushions by 400%.

Also flying off tatshop shelves are novelty cufflinks that constantly fiddle with themselves, plants which talk back, and his and her's monstrous carbuncles. The Randy Andy range of dry goods, however, has been a complete flop, particularly the 'Homeless Andrew' waterproof, padded sleeping bag.

Popular among the satirical writing market are classy fountain pens which leak like a right royal bastard, and include a voice activation in Received Pronunciation announcing, 'This pissing pen is leaking blue-blood', and 'You deal with this, dear, such annoyances are beneath my status'. The pens also come with a full fountain setting.

For royalist foodies, it's a tight snacking and grazing call between Coronation Cauliflower and Carrot Crunch Candy and the Stoned of Scone Marijuana Cream Tea Hampers. But if one is a royalist too poor to afford food, one can make one's presence heard during the anointing ceremony with a cheap plastic honking vuvuzela.

Astounding many in the motor industry are runaway orders for Mini Coopers in regal purple with Charles III supersized wing mirrors and a crown on the roof. Made in Germany, just like the British Royal Family. But Lady Di Dildos offered by an organisation called the Daily Sexpress have been slammed as 'pushing it a bit'.

Written jointly by Myke & SteveB, and a hat tip to Lockjaw

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