A spot check by the Department of transport Vehicle Loveliness Authorities during a midnight rehearsal of the parade from Westminster Abbey to Buckingham Palace found the carriage had bald tyres and no turn indicators.
The carriage was put on a low-loader and taken away for further checks. None of the King’s horses and none of the King’s men were able to say when the carriage was last sent for an MoT.
Vladimir Putin has tasked his spy agencies with attempting to infiltrate CCHQ to find out what stinging epithets Rishi Sunak might have planned for him.
‘When Vladimir heard that the Leader of the Opposition in the Mother of Parliaments had been called “Sir Softie” he went white’, a spokesman said. ‘Putin is tough – very tough – but in the face of such genius he has no defences. He would rather wrestle with a tiger than face the famous British wit’.
A focus group spent several days brainstorming the “Sir Softie” line. Conservative clubs around the country are selling mugs and tea towels branded with the line, though we’d suggest waiting until May 2024 to buy one – they’re bound to be cheaper in the closing down sale.
Winston Churchill’s ghost is said to have stopped haunting Westminster now that he has a worthy successor. Some Shakespeare scholars have switched allegiance to Sunak, though – as with the bard himself – there is considerable debate about whether Rishi wrote the brilliant line himself. ‘I heard that Sunak only wrote part of the line, though whether that was the “Sir” or the “Softie” I can’t say’, a spokesman for the Conservative Party said.
Whoever crafted the line, we can only imagine the despair which Keir Starmer must be feeling right now – and his terror at what lies in wait for him next Wednesday. The Mother of Parliaments indeed.
The Prime Minister has brushed off accusations that he failed to register shares in a concrete mixing car wash casino. The PM said the omission was an honest mistake, adding that he was fairly certain his accountant, Luigi ‘The Accountant’ Caponioni, would not be making the same mistake again.
A revised list of ministerial interests shows a reference to a number of direct shareholdings, including a second-hand furniture shop near Grimsby town centre. The shop is closed but has an estimated annual turnover of £650 million. It is part owned by his wife, Donna Vito Corleone Sunak.
A spokesperson for the Prime Minister said: ‘The PM made an honest mistake but has apologised and set the record straight. He is totally legit. Furthermore, I would advise you to check under your car before putting your key in the ignition.’
Mr Sunak’s accountant was not available for comment.
