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Farage to sue satnav company after failing to locate Clacton

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Nigel Farage, Prime Minister-in-Waiting, has announced a lawsuit against Trotters Independent Traders over ‘dodgy’ navigation advice.


‘Every blasted time I try to visit Clacton it sends me somewhere else’, he told reporters. In 2024 alone it sent me to Arizona, Chicago, Kuala Lumpur, Pennsylvania, New York and Washington. This year it’s dumped me in Washington (twice), Florida, France, Las Vegas and Abu Dhabi’.


Residents have mixed feelings. Geoff (67) is a registered idiot: ‘I voted for Nige and I think the sun shines out of his arse. No, really, I actually believe that. Astronomy isn’t my strongest subject’.


Cathy (26) has an IQ greater than her pulse, and is quite pleased that the leather-bound politician is staying away. ‘Given the number of Reform candidates who end up arrested or suspended, I feel safer knowing he’s thousands of miles away. Could they send him into space?’


Trotters have refused a refund on the basis that Farage somehow manages to find every TV studio within a 200 mile radius. It’s a mystery.



Farage Says Reform Will Make Wales Win Grand Slam

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During a visit to Wales, part-time gin-salesman, GB News Host, and MP Nigel Farage told supporters if Reform UK took control of the Senedd in next year's elections he would see Wales "prosper and grow" by having them once again win a Grand Slam at the Six Nations.


When challenged, he admitted this was an "ambition" and would require support from other governments; in particular those from New Zealand and South Africa. He added that while his party was against uncontrolled migration, desperate times - such as the worst performance by a Welsh team since the creation of the competition - called for desperate measures.


His political rivals said this was yet another case of his party offering empty promises to the people of Wales that were impossible to deliver, including reopening the coal mines, building a new blast furnace at Port Talbot, and getting the new James Bond song performed by Tom Jones.



Trump & Farage: which one’s E.T. and which is Elliott?

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The weird synchronicity between Reform UK and whatever Trump’s outfit should be called has led scientists to a disturbing realisation: maybe Nigel and Donald have a telepathic connection, like E.T. and Elliott.


‘If you recall the film, when E.T. got sick, so did Elliott’, said Dr Mathison of Padgate University. ‘It isn’t clear which one is the extraterrestrial here – neither of them looks especially human. Farage is smaller and has an animatronic face but he doesn’t have an extendable neck or the ability to heal living things. Trump’s broken English is reminiscent of an early E.T. Then there’s Elon – he’s definitely a space cadet.


It’s a conundrum’.


Reform lost their Chairman at the very same time that the Trump / Musk bromance ended, sparking speculation that when Trump takes a dump the shit might flow out of Farage’s arse. Or mouth.


‘Perhaps they both come from outer space? It would explain a lot,’ said Doctor Mathison. ‘Who knows how many aliens we might have living among us. I know a house in London with 650 of them – but I’m beginning to think that foreign planets don’t send us their best. Maybe we need a plan to Stop The Spaceships’.


A NASA spokesman simply sighed and shook his head. This film doesn’t have a happy ending.



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