top of page

In July, Edinburgh Prison set free over a hundred prisoners under the government's early release scheme.


Rather than making space for new prisoners, the Edinburgh scheme helps boost prison service finances. 'It's simple,' explained a Prison Service accountant and former embezzler. 'We can rent out cells in D wing to Edinburgh festival acts and make a mint. Accommodation in Edinburgh is so expensive that we can charge £300 a night for a cell, or £600 for single occupancy.'


Jerry Lafferty, not his real name, has a musical comedy act. He performs daily on The Royal Mile and hopes one day to perform in one of the venues. He told us that D wing is easily better than anywhere else that he's stayed during the Fringe.  'This place is secure, it has a curfew at 10.30pm so you can sleep without being disturbed, meals are at regular times, and it has an exercise yard. That's already better than most Airbnb's.  I do get teased a bit - my act is criminal, I have to lock the audience in, I've got a cell out show, etc. - but I don't mind. My colleagues are all sleeping on Waverley Station or in a van in the B&Q car park, so the joke's on them.'


Edinburgh prison is doing so well out of the scheme that it may be adopted more widely.  Shepton Mallet prison is quite handy for Glastonbury, Cheltenham prison could rent out cells during Gold Cup week, and Manchester prison could be used every Saturday for home games.



Image credit: perchance.org


Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here.


Leicestershire Police have warned that this weekend's Download Festival at Donnington Park could cause a great deal of extra work for the emergency services, as the volume of pyrotechnics used risks making locals believe the county is under aerial bombardment.


"It's always a busy time for us," said Chief Superintendent Alice Cooper, officer in charge of policing the popular heavy metal event. "We get a spike in calls from people's smartwatches sensing they've been in a collision when actually they've just been enthusiastically moshing to one of the bands. That also sets off seismic sensors, sometimes enough to alert authorities that an earthquake's taken place. Actually, the last time we had that was when Leicester City won the Premier League. The main concern is usually fireworks; like the year we had Iron Maiden play and had to reassure some of our older residents that it wasn't the Blitz starting up again. One said he'd been sleeping in the cupboard under the stairs for a week, but it turned out that was due to an argument with his wife."


Early arrivals to the festival site were greeted by police advising them how to enjoy the event safely. "It's all pretty sensible stuff," one reveller told us. "Wear sunscreen, drink water as well as absinthe, and absolutely no biting heads off any wildlife. It's a good job they gave us a leaflet though, I couldn't hear a word the officer said; maybe I need to think about the earplugs they recommend too."



bottom of page