Leicestershire Police have warned that this weekend's Download Festival at Donnington Park could cause a great deal of extra work for the emergency services, as the volume of pyrotechnics used risks making locals believe the county is under aerial bombardment.
"It's always a busy time for us," said Chief Superintendent Alice Cooper, officer in charge of policing the popular heavy metal event. "We get a spike in calls from people's smartwatches sensing they've been in a collision when actually they've just been enthusiastically moshing to one of the bands. That also sets off seismic sensors, sometimes enough to alert authorities that an earthquake's taken place. Actually, the last time we had that was when Leicester City won the Premier League. The main concern is usually fireworks; like the year we had Iron Maiden play and had to reassure some of our older residents that it wasn't the Blitz starting up again. One said he'd been sleeping in the cupboard under the stairs for a week, but it turned out that was due to an argument with his wife."
Early arrivals to the festival site were greeted by police advising them how to enjoy the event safely. "It's all pretty sensible stuff," one reveller told us. "Wear sunscreen, drink water as well as absinthe, and absolutely no biting heads off any wildlife. It's a good job they gave us a leaflet though, I couldn't hear a word the officer said; maybe I need to think about the earplugs they recommend too."
Image: Pexels - Pixabay
Updated: Jun 6
It has been announced that that the recently announced Margaret Thatcher Centenary event, due to take place in the former Prime Minister's hometown in October, will charge an entry fee inverse to how much money a person actually has.
"It's really quite simple" said one of the 'Festival of Thatcher' organisers "the poorer you are, the more you have to pay. It's exactly what Mrs Thatcher, bless her soul, would have wanted. We really wanted to pull out all the stops to mark 100 years since her birth, and this seems like the perfect way."
"For instance, if you're on benefits and want to come along it'll be £250 to get in each, and that's with no child rates. For the slighty more well off it'd be £100, if you're an executive in a well paying job £25, if you're Jacob Rees-Mogg you'd only have to pay £10 for a family ticket and if you just happened to be a billionaire hedge-fund manager you'll get in for free and also receive a souvenir bag!"
Although not all of the events have been announced they are expected to include such attractions including games (including Sink the Belgrano and Dunk the Miner), stalls selling various Thatcher memorabilia starting at only £500 and finally the unveiling of a solid gold statue of the Iron Lady charged exclusively to the taxpayer.
"We're all very excited and everyone wants to do their part" said one local "One of my mates is dressing up as John Sergeant and letting people interrupt him and have their staff shove him out of the way."
image from pixabay
author: Garibaldi