Nigeria lodges appeal with FIFA following defeat

It has just emerged that, following Nigeria’s defeat on penalties to England in the Women’s World Cup, the country has lodged an appeal with FIFA.

However, rather than focussing on the clear penalty they were denied, the email surprisingly talks about a fortune the organisation will receive if it’s able to help the sender, who describes himself as a general who was ousted in a coup and now needs to transfer a lot of money out of the country.

”I sent the money they asked for, to pay for some initial setup costs,” explained a FIFA official, “and hoped they’d send the promised millions straight away.

“Unfortunately it turns out there are some other unexpected costs I need to help them with before they can do that. Which is annoying, obvs, but it’s only a matter of a few days, so I’m not worried.”

Apparently the official’s bosses were livid when they heard, one of them saying “I knew we should have sacked him after he chose Qatar to host the Men’s World Cup.

”Though to be fair, on that occasion they did send the money they promised.”

Gold-colored trophy and soccerball photo – Free Football Image on Unsplash

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Qatar's human rights abuses now irrelevant

Now that the World Cup is over, one FIFA executive expressed relief that everyone can now go back to ignoring Qatar's rainbow of human rights abuses. As he spoke, he continued stuffing envelopes full of cash and bars of gold into his suitcase.

'We at FIFA take bribes from everyone. We're actually quite equal opportunities in that way. However, people were complaining that these bribes were worse than the other bribes we've taken? Anyway, we've got our money now so... did you see all those lovely goals? Never mind the imprisonment and execution of gay people. Look at all the lovely goals.'

Football fan Tara Taylor added 'To be fair there were a lot of lovely goals. Oh, that does feel better actually. Now I don't care about Qatar's grotesque treatment of migrant workers and women in general.'

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FIFA strongly condemns Leeds' sacking of Bielsa

Following calls for decisive action, the international governing body of world football has expressed its disapproval of Leeds United’s decision to dismiss their manager Marcelo Bielsa in the strongest possible terms. In a powerful statement designed to strike fear into the owners, FIFA have threatened to ban the use of LUFC flags and the singing of their anthem ‘Marching On Together’ in the Elland Road stadium.

In a wide-ranging series of accompanying world-shattering announcements that demonstrate their profound knowledge and trustworthy custodianship of the game, FIFA has also questioned the appointment of Roy Hodgson as Watford boss, suggested that Mo Salah should get his hair cut and praised West Ham’s Kurt Zouma for kicking a cat.

Image: Pixabay/Northern_Punkie