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OAP categories added to Oscars


In recognition of the fact that old people's taste in film may differ from younger filmgoers, the Academy has decided to introduce several Oscars to be voted for exclusively by their OAP members.


The special awards, sponsored jointly by Saga Holidays and Tena incontinence pads, have already attracted a great deal of interest. Speculation is rife that the Best OAP Film will go to "You know, it's got that actor you like in it", with "The one with that woman who was in that other thing" coming a close second.


"He was in that film with that woman" is making a strong showing for Best OAP Actor, with Best OAP Actress likely to go to "Sorry, were you talking to me?" Suggestions to combine the two with a gender-neutral category were sent away with a flea in their ear, and mutterings about "That's not how we won the war..."


It's thought that winning actors and directors will honour the category not only by not preparing acceptance speeches, but by going on stage and forgetting what they went there for.




Following the Fawlty Towers revival, Netflix announces an On The Buses reboot




One of the worst-kept entertainment secrets has now been revealed. Netflix have commissioned a brand new series of the legendary 1970s sitcom. It is also confirmed that Emma Thompson has been appointed as Executive Director / Producer. At a media briefing she gushed:-



“On The Buses, (or OTB as us thesps call it!) was the drama series that inspired me to become an actress, and has formed the backdrop to my life, relationships and work ever since.



I have already approached my dear friend Salmy – Salman Rushdie of course – to write the scripts. He was a bit concerned that he has not written comic material before but I assured him that that never bothered the original writers.



My dear dear friend Stephen Fry has absolutely insisted that he has the part of the driver Stan Butler. He will of course bring the acumen and gravitas to the role that Reg Varney sometimes struggled to deliver. And as soon as the rumours circulated that this classic was in the pipeline, my phone didn’t stop ringing! I answered an early call and a voice screamed down the phone ‘I hate you Butler!’ I recognised it immediately - it was of course my dear dear dear friend Hugh Grant!! He was born to play the part of Blakey!!!”



Miss Thompson continued “we will of course ensure that the plots are brought bang up to date and reflect the 21st century. We now see Olive as a sexy, attractive, politically-savvy, intelligent, independent, compassionate and caring character. We haven’t cast the role yet but watch this space!” At this point reporters noted Miss Thompson simpering coyly.



Miss Thompson concluded “Netflix are already aware that cinema spin-offs of the series were amongst the top-grossing films of the 1970s. They have asked me to sketch out a full-length feature – working title ‘Transgender Strategies and Seating Arrangements On The Buses’”.

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