Budget nonsense begins

The budget is on 15th March 2023 and it is traditional for the government to leak various silly stories about budget measures beforehand. This tactic works up the media into a massive froth about things that were never serious in the first place, and serves to draw fire away from the things that the government really wants to do. And it may even keep some of those awful Hancock stories out of the papers too.

Here are some of the silly stories about the budget that you can expect to read over the next ten days:

A tax on social media posts

Taxes are always levied on things that we like, such as beer, fags, chocolate, windows, salt and working. So taxing social media posts is a no-brainer. A levy of 1p on each post would raise enough to buy Belgium, Bolivia and Bulgaria. Or we could give nurses a pay rise. Old Tory voters will love this tax but anyone younger than 70 will not be keen

The pasty tax and the caravan tax

These have already been tried and failed. That’s why George Osborne isn’t a politician any more. But some journo will try to pretend that the government will have another go.

ISA saving limit raised to £10m

Saving is supposedly a good thing (not sure who for with inflation at twenty-fifty-umpty percent). So raising the savings limit looks like a good thing. But the benefit here only really works for anyone looking to save a spare £10m. So this measure is more likely than some of the others.

A market in National insurance

At present you can only get National Insurance from the government, a notoriously inefficient, overmanned and bureaucratic organisation. Creating a market for private sector national insurance providers would bring in a valuable element of competition and make taxable profits for them. Workers will have the joy of finding cheaper providers using Moneysupermeerkat.com or Extremelyconfused.com.

Everyone to be on an apprenticeship by 2050

A plausible budget measure, especially as it kicks the can so far down the road that no-one will ever believe it. The government may have some difficulty in explaining why this would be a good thing.

Government to stop making payments by cheque by 2050

Tax rebate? Paid by cheque. And your nearest bank branch is now in the next county so you’ll never be able to pay it in. Road tax refund? Cheque. Premium bond win? Cheque. Making payments by those new fangled bank transfer things is a good policy aspiration, but government won’t provide the money to change the current systems, so it’s never going to happen. Not even by 2050.

Dog and cat licences introduced

Although we are allegedly a nation of pet lovers, this would be very unpopular. The government’s logic will be that pet owners are not paying for the cost of accidents caused by wayward cats, or for treating postal workers bitten by dogs. The government will argue that an annual licence fee of, say, £100, is immaterial given the lifetime cost of owning a cat or dog of around £25k. But pet owners will disagree. Expect to see TV footage of prospective candidates being chased off the doorstep by big dogs or scary cats.

If you see any of these silly budget stories appearing in the media, then you read it here first!

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Britain not teetering on brink of bankruptcy, merely enjoying a 'special financial situation'

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More money saving tips, from financial guru Martin Clueless

The economic outlook is bleaker than ever, there’s no fresh food available in the shops, and even if there were you couldn’t afford to buy any. Save a few pounds with these handy hints:

1. Next time your cat brings home a dead rodent, don’t get annoyed - think of it as free meat. It probably tastes like chicken, so chuck it in a casserole. It’s about time puss started to earn his keep - cat food is expensive. You might con the kids into eating unbranded cereal by decanting it into an old Kellogg’s box, but you’ll never persuade Tiddles to eat cheap food. If you buy Lidl Kitty Feast you’ll only end up feeding it to the family disguised as fish pie - again.

2. Sneak into your neighbour’s garden, and run a hosepipe from his outdoor tap into your bathroom. It won’t be much fun having a cold bath, but at least it’s free.

3. Don’t use the vacuum cleaner – inhale deeply, and suck the fluff off the carpet yourself. This will save electricity, and you’ll be so full of dust and pet hairs that you’ll be able to skip lunch.

4. If all your bills are online, switch back to receiving paper bills through the post. You can’t afford to pay them, but you can burn the bills and the envelopes to keep warm, or eat them to stave off hunger.

5. You can no longer afford to take the kids to the hairdresser, so cut their hair yourself using a pudding bowl and the kitchen scissors. They’ll probably end up looking a bit ‘special needsy’, but that might lead to them qualifying for free school meals, so it will be worth them getting bullied a bit.

6. Don’t throw the kids’ hair clippings away - make a couple of draught excluders by cutting the legs off a pair of old tights and stuffing them with the kids’ hair and clumps of your own, which thanks to malnutrition is falling out in handfuls. Wear the rest of the trousers as a hat, to keep your balding head warm.

7. If the kids can’t get free school meals, fill an empty toothpaste tube with glue, and tell them to brush their teeth. Once they’ve glued their mouths shut they won’t be able to eat, so you’ll save loads on your grocery shop. When they start to faint with hunger, feed them soup through a nasal tube.

Disclaimer: Newsbiscuit is not responsible for any ill effects suffered, or criminal charges brought against any readers who are daft enough to follow Martin Clueless’ tips.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/stevepb-282134/

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