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Wealthy people have confirmed that poor people can definitely pull themselves up by their bootstraps, even though doing this in reality would only cause them to hurt their feet and fall over on to the ground or into debt.


'I've got millions and I'm fine' confirmed one millionaire, somewhat unnecessarily. 'Cutting my taxes is the only logical thing to do. Otherwise the government will only spend the money on public services for the disgusting masses. I can afford everything I'll ever need, but I want more and I'm not afraid to shut a few libraries and fan the flames of far right rhetoric to get it.'


'Creating jobs with my money is hard, so instead I'm going to hoard the cash and blame immigrants.'


A statement issued on behalf of all economists everywhere said 'Yep.'



The Premier League is set to drop all charges of breaking financial fair play rules against Manchester City because of their recent run of disappointing results. The Premier League’s compassionate decision reflects the profound sympathy for City’s current poor form which has been felt throughout the footballing world.


The proposed move to let Manchester City get away with alleged financial irregularities over a nine year period has been discussed for a while. It is believed to have been initiated when the devastating loss to injury of one of their bloated squad of multi-millionaire international players, midfielder Rodri, was announced in September. Other Clubs have had injured players but none of them have had an injured Rodri so they don’t really count.


Support for letting City off grew after a series of five successive defeats, the first time they had suffered such a fate since being taken over by a Middle Eastern country.


But last week’s Manchester derby defeat to two heart-breaking late goals was the final straw. The Premier League were inundated with messages of support for the beleaguered club from everyone who cares about the good of the game, and the proposal to drop the charges is expected to be extremely popular.


Indeed, Chief Executive of the Premier League Richard Masters is fully expecting to hear ‘You’re getting backed in the morning’ from football stadia around the world when he makes the announcement.





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