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In a change from enticing viewers to attempt cooking exotic recipes from abroad, the BBC asked viewers to name the ingredients they can actually buy these days and challenged celebrity chefs to devise recipes for exciting meals which could be made from them.


Of the 3,000 suggestions received by the BBC, 2,000 suggested fish fingers.


Jamie Oliver came up with deep fried fish finger and jam sandwiches, Risk Stein chose to make his own fish fingers from turbot and razor clams, and Gordon Ramsey had a simple fish finger curry dish. Nigella Lawson’s fishy fingers pie, however, came out on top. Nigella massaged each fish finger between her breasts before slapping donkey cheese pule mash on top, and slipping it in somewhere hot.


Critics of the programme have said how out of touch the BBC is, since few people can afford pule. But the BBC responded by pointing out that viewers should consider themselves lucky they didn’t invite Heston to contribute.


Governments are rushing to revise climate change plans after the latest news that sea levels are rising not from carbon emissions but a worldwide epidemic of marine obesity.


Over-eating has become a major problem, with many whales being up to five tons overweight, says fish expert Dr Alan Knox. 'There's just less room for the water.' he explains with his PowerPoint diagram.


'We need a major diet plan and lifestyle makeover for fish, or Birmingham will be under 10ft of water by 2050,' warns Dr Knox, who absolutely denies any ties to the oil industry. 'They're just lazing around eating plankton all day and getting no exercise.'


HKnow goes on to explain the problem also has implications for the film industry: 'Most marine predators are too fat to chase anyone anymore. I don't know how you'd make Jaws nowadays. You'd need a stairlift to move the shark around. As for Moby Dick, you could just lure him to a Weight-Watchers Anonymous meeting and slap a harpoon into him.'


However, the good news is that Britain's motorways are free of eco protesters for the first time in a year. 'It's great to be able to move around again without any hassle.' says commuter David Grace. 'The Extinction Rebellion crowd have all gone off to sea to fat-shame the whales.'



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