New Old Trafford stadium will 'be the best in League Two'

Manchester United’s owners have boasted that the futuristic mega structure that will become their new stadium will allow '100,000 people watch some desperately mediocre football for many years to come'.

One Manchester United fan said 'I personally cannot wait for teams like Accrington Stanley and the Dog and Duck Second XI to play in a stadium that is primarily a shopping centre and yet somehow also visible from space.'

'Manchester City might get relegated because of Financial Fair Play rules. United will get relegated the old fashioned way.'

Zuflaxizog, the pilot of a passing alien spaceship, fumed 'There is a lot of space debris around the Earth these days. Mostly footballs from errant Manchester United strikers. Hey, what’s the massive red circus tent? '

Photo by Nat Callaghan on Unsplash

Man U to Replace Players with Dancing Bears

In keeping with the circus-tent appearance of their proposed new stadium, Manchester United have announced that from 2030 they will field a side comprised entirely of dancing bears - in a roar, roar, two formation.

The announcement comes in the wake of part-owner Sir Jim Ratcliffe's scathing denunciation of several current United players. 'Under the infallible leadership of Sir Jim Ratcliffe, Manchester United continue to lean into the coalface of innovative disruption, constantly striving to leverage the thoughtways of stakeholder value enhancement under ever changing contextual architectures,' said a club statement. Calls seeking clarification were not returned.

Gemma, a spokesbear for the Union of Performing Animals, approved of the new initiative. 'We look forward to demonstrating our prowess on the pitch,' she said. 'Humans are small and slow,' Gemma added, 'so we'll eat them for breakfast.' Following the interview a publicist contacted several news outlets, requesting that they not run Gemma's 'arguably ill-advised breakfast reference.'

'Bears are exceedingly large and dangerous animals,' noted Alfred Newman, Professor of Exceedingly Large and Dangerous Animals at the University of Leeds. 'One can easily imagine a scenario where Aston Villa, say, have their entire side eaten within the first five minutes of play,' Newman speculated. 'Villa supporters might then reasonably conclude that they have been deprived of a full 90-minute match for which they have paid a not inconsiderable sum.'

United supporters have greeted the club's proposal with mixed reviews. 'It would beat the hell out of watching fucking Casemiro shamble about,' said one man who asked not to be identified. Emily, 32, worried about the animal cruelty aspects of the proposal. 'I wouldn't make my worst enemy work for the Glazers,' she said. Tony, 76, said he would prefer to see humans on the roster, 'but I'd be ok with the bears making a meal out of City.'

Fears of escalation may yet derail the initiative. Inspired by Gunnersaurus, Arsenal are already considering filling their roster with actual tyrannosaurs. 'The science is still a bit tricky, but we're making progress,' said a club official. The official admitted, however, that playing a starting XI of violent reptiles is 'unlikely to improve' the side's checkered disciplinary record.

Image: WixAI

Millwall goalie kissed Palace striker without consent

The story of the mid-air clash between Millwall’s Liam Roberts and Crystal Palace’s Jean-Philippe Mateta last week took a darker turn today, when slow motion footage revealed that in addition to sending him straight to hospital with a season-ending injury that could have been much worse, the goalkeeper had also kissed the striker without consent.

“We thought he’d simply flown at Mateta with his boots at head height and studs out,” said an FA official. “Certainly the damage to Mateta’s ear, which required 25 stitches, suggested that’s what happened, though fortunately there was no concussion or damage to the cervical spine which could have resulted in permanent paralysis. 

“However, close examination of the VAR footage revealed that Roberts also took the opportunity to get in a cheeky peck.

“This is clearly a much more serious offence than we realised. Naturally we’d like to retract any statements we may have made suggesting it’s all just part of the rough and tumble of what is, after all, a very physical game, and doesn’t require any action beyond the red card Roberts was given at the time. We now realise this is a matter for criminal prosecution, and quite possibly the reintroduction of the death penalty.”

For his part, Roberts said he was simply trying to repair the reputation of his team for being homophobic, racist thugs with a playing style that owes more to cagefighting than football. And what better way to do that than by kissing a black player on the opposing team? 

“Honestly, you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t,” sighed Roberts, as he relaxed on a daybed with a cup of Earl Grey and a sponge finger. “I just don’t understand this modern world, I don’t really.”

image from pixabay

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