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Aston Villa has the right to defend itself?




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Controversy surrounds the banning of Maccabi Tel Aviv fans, who had provoked outrage by demanding VAR goal line technology extend from the river to the sea.


Villa justified their actions saying Birmingham was their ancestral home and that God had promised them a European Cup 3,000 years ago. Villa further claimed Maccabi fans were a terrorist threat and had previously rejected 2-2 solution.


'What next?' complained one Maccabi hooligan. 'Our full surrender, the destruction of our stadium and Tony Blair becoming our new Manager?'

Referees' Association introduces “autopen” system for Liverpool

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The Referees Association announced today that it’s introducing an automatic penalty (or “autopen”) system for Liverpool FC.


“Obviously it’s been standard practice for years that Liverpool will be awarded a penalty near the end of the game if they aren’t winning,” said RA official Steve Dalgliesh (no relation, probably).


”However, under the current system Liverpool strikers still have to pretend to be fouled, and we’re concerned they’re in danger of injury from throwing themselves to the ground so often. This could be a problem if they also want to score goals in open play, though I can’t imagine why they’d need to…”


The new system will award as many penalties as Liverpool need to win the game, spacing them out so the whole thing doesn’t look too obviously corrupt.


“We’ve got at least give the appearance of fairness, and we don’t always achieve that. I realise there was a problem last season when Liverpool fans kept voting the referee their ‘man of the match’.”



All teams to wear black strip when football resumes


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All Premier League and EFL teams will wear an all-black strip, whether they are at home or away, when football returns after the period of mourning for the Queen. A Premier League spokesperson said, 'We don't think this will lead to confusion as long as everyone plays by the rules.'


Referees will also be asked to wear the traditional black, and all players and officials will wear black armbands. All balls will be blackened when play resumes, and teams that can afford it will die their pitches black, hence the expression ‘pitch black’. All players will honour the passing of the Duke of Edinburgh by not taking the knee.


In the period of mourning, balls will be deflated to half full, as will holiday li-los and inflatable sex dolls. During the mourning period all footballers in Britain will forego sexy romps with three glamorous models in five-star hotel rooms that went tragically wrong. Meanwhile the cast of ‘Wagatha, the musical’ will take a week’s break during which Wayne Rooney, who plays himself, will re-rehearse all his dance numbers again.


Meanwhile, Lynne Truss, writer of the hit book about pandas ‘Eats, Shits and Leaves’ has unexpectedly become Prime Minister while the nation was distracted. She has apologised for the use in a press release of the phrase ‘Tax c*nts will save Britain’. A Downing Street Spokesperson explained to BBC News ‘This in no way refers to people who completely legally arrange their tax affairs offshore, so they keep most of their wealth, which somehow trickles down to poor people thus solving the economic crisis that has nothing whatsoever to do with Brexit, which the Queen definitely supported.’




First published 11 Sep 2022


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