Footy - 'My biggest achievement in office' claims Starmer

'I just want to say - and let me be absolutely clear about this - the England team's success in a recent football match against Mexico was, to a very large extent, due to the not inconsiderable degree of encouragement they received from their supporters in England.'

'And this support would not have been so prolific if it had not been possible for honest, hard-working football enthusiasts from all parts of England, regardless of wealth or occupation - including, but not limited to toolmakers and the sons of toolmakers - to attend premises providing public refreshment during the actual time of the contest in question.'

'With regard to the question of regional priorities, as a retiring prime minister, it would not be appropriate for me to offer any comment except to respectfully draw attention to the fact that the city of Manchester does not have a team competing in the current ongoing world football championship contezzz ... ' 

image by Grok

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Thousands snap up tickets to see the Burnhameux Tapestry

The Burnhameux Tapestry is shaping up to be the cultural sensation of the year as people in their thousands order tickets to view the masterpiece, which depicts Andy Burnham's historic Northern Conquest.

The tapestry shows how Andy the Conqueror invaded the south of England by train from Manchester Piccadilly and forced Keir Toolmakerson to cede the throne to him.

Several omens foretold Andy's conquest, such as a freak by-election victory for Labour in Makerfield and a decidedly streaky win for England against the footballers of impoverished, war-torn DR Congo.

'It's an amazing story!' gushed BBC Tapestry Editor Chris Mason, amongst a queue of thousands of tapestry buffs queuing for a ticket at the British Museum, 'and it's one which I and my successors will be telling, over and over again for the next thousand years on the television news - so watch out.'

Andy the Conqueror would go on to rule Britain in mediocre fashion for a handful of months before toppling into the financial black hole which Keir Toolmakerson had spitefully dug for him.

England got knocked out in the following round of the World Cup, having been comprehensively outplayed by Mexico's Shambling Chihuahua Puppies XI, and Reform UK won the following general election.   

Image credit: ChatGPT

Man tastelessly watches World Cup and Wimbledon at the same time

After a hard day at work recycling his emails. Brad, 37, from Berkshire, hits the sofa just before 6pm and tastelessly watches the World Cup game on his TV, while also following Wimbledon on his phone. Brad defended his behaviour to the press.

‘While some have unfairly described this behaviour as erratic, I want to ensure everyone that I have trained long and hard for this. I have watched many TV series while also simultaneously scrolling through social media, and I never miss a single plot point. I am not recommending this lifestyle to anyone, but for me there is a real thrill in watching an incredible tennis rally while England are passing the ball back and forth between their defenders.’

His wife, Lisa, later clarified her stance on his reckless behaviour. ‘He’s absolutely addicted. He reads our four-year-old child a bedtime story while skimming another book. We do have sex, but only if he can listen to a true-crime podcast at the same time.’

Brad says that he now intends on becoming the first person to ever play football while watching the Premier League on his phone.

Image credit: ChatGPT