Chelsea to Winnow Squad Using 'Scissors-Paper-Stone'

Tackling the rapidly approaching transfer deadline, Chelsea are planning to determine which players to cut from their bloated squad by using the scissors-paper-stone method. ‘Players will compete in a tournament style format, with the losers getting shipped to Saudi Arabia,’ explained a club spokesperson at a hastily arranged press conference.

‘Season ticket holders will be able to livestream the event,’ she noted. ‘It’s just another way for us to show how much we appreciate our loyal fans.’ When a reporter asked for any other examples of the club’s fan appreciation efforts, the spokesperson paused for an extended period before finally saying ‘I’ll have to get back to you.’

Fans will be able to place bets during the livestream, but questions about the integrity of the contest have already arisen. Raheem Sterling revealed on social media that the team had forbidden him from choosing any option except ‘scissors’ in the first round while every other player was directed to select ‘stone’. Club officials said that Sterling was taking their statements ‘out of context.’

The press conference reached a turning point when new manager Enzo Maresca, asked what he thought of the contest, began to weep openly. ‘Even Lampard never did that,’ marveled one aghast reporter.

Photo by Jannes Glas on Unsplash

Bored football fan becomes Freestyle BMX authority during Olympics

A man whose entire life revolves around his football club has expanded his sporting knowledge to include Freestyle BMX, having watched coverage of the Olympic games on television.  Gerald Johnson, who didn't miss a single Brighton & Hove Albion game in the 2023/2024 season, now cannot stop talking about Tailwhips, 540s and Nac-Nacs, despite not even realising Freestyle BMX was a so-called sport until earlier this week.

'I was so bored but then I watched these cool kids messing about on tiny little bikes as if they were down the local skate park and I was transfixed by their Bar Spins and Cross-ups', explained Mr Johnson. 'Freestyle BMX has really helped me through the interminable weeks between the end of the Euros and the start of the new football season.'

Gerald has also embraced the coverage of the Olympic judo, the clay pigeon shooting and even the posh people on dancing horses, or dressage as he now calls it, having been educated in the finer points of the event by the posh people commentating on it for the BBC.  According to Gerald, all Olympic sports are more entertaining than cricket, but a Superman Seat Grab over the volcano in Freestyle BMX is almost as exciting as a 90th minute winner in the Champions League.

However, it is feared that this obsession with Freestyle BMX may not last beyond the medal ceremonies.  Mr Johnson is apparently preparing a cardboard cut-out covered with aluminium foil in the shape of the FA Cup to take to Wincanton Town versus Blackfield & Langley in Saturday's extra preliminary round of the competition.  And if Wincanton go 1-0 up, he is expected to join in with the shouts of 'Wem-ber-lee'.

image from pixabay

David Cameron announces interest in England Manager role

In a surprise attempt to return to public office for a third time, David Cameron has announced his interest in the vacant post of England Manager.

Lord Cameron of Chipping Norton has released a statement in which he says, ‘Look, I am very keen on the role of England Manager. There are people who say I know bugger all about football, but I have plenty of experience in sudden and disappointing exits from Europe.

'It might come as a surprise, but I've always enjoyed the game, even while I was Foreign Secretary. I'd occasionally pop out of a boring NATO meeting, pull on a pair of Converse pumps that Sam had picked out for me, and do a couple of uppy keepies.  

'And I know how popular the game is to the British people, especially outside the Cotswolds. Visiting tradespeople always speak highly of it.  I tell anyone whether they are a proud Tottenham Villa fan or West Harlequins that I’ve had experience dealing with difficult left-wingers over the years, although it’s the right-wingers in my own team who are the real bastards.

Look, I know the players will be looking forward to me scrumming down with them. There are some who have apparently taken a keen interest in the alleged incident involving a part of my anatomy and a pig’s head and I say to them, fine, I would be delighted to perform it again at Wayne Lineker’s bar in Ibiza.'

Picture credit: Wix AI