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Tone Police to get extra funding

The Home Office confirmed: 'They do vital work, policing Twitter, ensuring everyone is polite, rather than correct. The last thing we want is an informed and uncivil public, imagine the unrest. We need hushed tones, a reverential attitude and absolutely no one with an opinion.'


Unlike other branches of the police force, the Tone Police has increased in numbers, flooded with liberal volunteers all over social media. Successful prosecutions have risen 300% this year, given that there is no need for evidence or due process, you just need a sense of righteous superiority.'


This follows extra funds directed to the Neighbourhood Tw$t scheme. 'Britain's streets will not be safer but everyone will wear the right tie. And no more complaints about the Met Police, please, not unless they are delicately phrased - you don't want a visit from the Grammar Police as well.'




Tory plan to rectify NHS underfunding is more NHS underfunding


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Tory policy wanks have come up with a new solution to 13 years of Tory NHS underfunding, which is 15 more years of Tory NHS underfunding, but now spread out across more staff.


‘It’s wonderful, beautiful even’ said one ‘Nurses will continue to be underpaid and overstretched, but now they’ll be under qualified as well. If we can hire them faster than they leave, there might be slightly more of them though. It’s probably nothing to worry about, because Rishi will be long gone by then, as will this plan. Let’s be honest, the only place the Tories want to see the NHS in 15 years is the history books, because it’s been sold to big American pharmaceutical companies.’

‘What’s the matter? You look a little pale... Nurse? Nurse!’


image from pixabay



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