99% of BBC licence goes to pay for Gary Lineker's crisps

An inflation busting rise to the license fee was deemed necessary, as Mr Lineker has increased his crisp consumption ten fold. Despite cutbacks to the service, costs have spiralled to maintain his lavish taste in ear muffs and to keep Alan Shearer in silk stockings.

Notoriously the BBC's highest earner, he has exclusive use of the secret helipad in the Blue Peter garden.

Executives admit to supplying the TV star with unlimited Teletubbies and his own private access to David Attenborough.

Half of all programming now features Mr. Lineker's smug face. but only those with wide-screen can see his lugs. Viewers have accused iPlayer of exposing us to too much of Mr. Lineker, just like his shorts throughout the 1980s.

Image: Pixabay/avantrend

Gary Lineker accidentally falls out of six storey window of Television Centre

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Braverman: ‘I’m coming for YOU next, Judi Dench’

Following an unsuccessful attempt at smiting Gary Lineker, Suella Braverman has regrouped like a Russian tank commander and announced a new campaign: the Bonfire of the National Treasures.

‘There’s only so much popularity to go around’, she explained. ‘People like Judi Dench with her natural smile, her easy charm and her impressive body of work make me sick. A National Treasure is, quite literally, a popularity thief – they swan around being popular, leaving less popularity for everybody else’.

Lack of popularity has long been a criterion for membership of the Conservative Party and Braverman’s followers (herself and her husband, poor bugger) hope that attacking popular celebs will attract the pathologically-unpopular to vote Tory at the next election. As usual.

However experts claim the assault should have been taken before the Oscars, not after.

‘It simply isn’t fair that bitter, twisted, sour-faced harridans who didn’t have many friends at school and who demonise the desperate get such a bad press’, said a spokesman. ‘The Conservative Party is the inclusive party – we don’t care what your background is as long as it scarred you. Though a private education is essential, obvs. We’re not savages’.

Image: https://pixabay.com/users/openclipart-vectors-30363/

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