Following an unsuccessful attempt at smiting Gary Lineker, Suella Braverman has regrouped like a Russian tank commander and announced a new campaign: the Bonfire of the National Treasures.
‘There’s only so much popularity to go around’, she explained. ‘People like Judi Dench with her natural smile, her easy charm and her impressive body of work make me sick. A National Treasure is, quite literally, a popularity thief – they swan around being popular, leaving less popularity for everybody else’.
Lack of popularity has long been a criterion for membership of the Conservative Party and Braverman’s followers (herself and her husband, poor bugger) hope that attacking popular celebs will attract the pathologically-unpopular to vote Tory at the next election. As usual.
However experts claim the assault should have been taken before the Oscars, not after.
‘It simply isn’t fair that bitter, twisted, sour-faced harridans who didn’t have many friends at school and who demonise the desperate get such a bad press’, said a spokesman. ‘The Conservative Party is the inclusive party – we don’t care what your background is as long as it scarred you. Though a private education is essential, obvs. We’re not savages’.